Wallflower-y Vibes

Let me just begin by saying how beautifully overwhelmed I was and still am by all of the love and support I have received from you in regards to my previous blog post. That post was probably one of the greatest risks I have taken in my life. And that may sound a bit dramatic, but I sincerely mean it. After having been in some sort of "imposter syndrome-ish" mode for so many years, I really felt that this was a necessary step for me to be honest with myself and with all of you. I don't ever want to encourage someone else to be their true, authentic self when I know deep down I am not doing the same (or wasn't, at least). I have kept myself hidden for a period of several months purposely in order to heal and to focus on people and things that have and continue to take precedence in my life aka my children, my study, and my career. I do not regret having had those months away from everyone and everything because I needed them, but what did start becoming a problem was when I wanted to stay in that place after my intuition kept nudging me to come out of my cocoon, speak my truth and just be myself with zero regrets. So, all of this to say a massive thank you to all of you who reached out to me in one way or another. Thank you for not judging me and just embracing me with so much love and grace during a tough time. Thank you also for reciprocating my transparency and vulnerability with your own by sharing your own stories and experiences and just offering so much warmth and encouragement to me that I will get through this, and I will be okay.

I know I have taken perhaps quite a big risk to share something so personal considering the nature of the work I do as a coach/counsellor. I am all about confidentiality and boundaries. Just ask any of my classmates, and they will tell you that. However, one thing I have realized and am honestly still realizing is that before the roles I have in my life, I am first and foremost Jess. I am me. I am also mother, working professional, student, friend, etc. But firstly, I am just Jess. I am a human being and not just a human doing. I forget this often. In so many moments of weakness, guilt and shame, and I have allowed myself to dwindle inward and just hope that I can be tough by handling it on my own all while simultaneously trying to save the world. Well, with that kind of thinking, you will end up with a burnout or even several...(not that I would know anything about that...sigh). For the majority of my life, I have prided myself in trying to handle my problems all alone while putting on mask after mask so that no one would suspect that I was actually crumbling on the inside. I am so done doing that, or at least I hope I am. I am passionate about all things mental health, and one of the things that upsets me greatly is the negative stigma when it comes to talking about our own mental health issues or even when we're going through a particular trial in life and need help! No wonder that suicides are on the rise more and more each year. I know there are several factors for that actually, but shame and guilt regarding talking about our struggles is probably one of the top reasons why people don't and then end up impoding. 

So this is my "why." This is why I want to and need to reach out for support. Because I don't want to be that young woman in her early 20's again who sat balling her eyes out while sitting on the bathroom floor and trying to slit her wrists open because her whole world was collapsing right before her eyes when her first ex left to go off and be with another. I don't want to be that young woman again who would literally bang her head against the walls of her apartment over and over again in hopes that the pain would just go away from years of abuse at the hands of several narcissists in her life. I don't want to be that little girl who, when she was upset and crying her eyes out, was told to stop crying and showing emotion because doing so is a sign of weakness. I don't want to be her ever again because I am not her anymore. That's a boundary of mine that I am no longer willing to cross with myself. I am done being ashamed and feeling guilty for admitting that I cannot save myself all by myself. Period.

I am grateful for my coach with whom I have been working with for over a year now as she has helped me tremendously to uncover a lot of the self-limiting beliefs and trauma that have kept me caged up for the majority of my life. As I have probably said before, when I first committed to doing the inner healing work, I promised myself that I would give it my all. I have done that and will continue to do so. I truly believe that there is power in sharing my story even if it only touches one person's life in a positive way. And therefore this is also my "why." We're all real people who are enduring through some real shit in life, sometimes feeling as though it is unbearable, and we just want to give up. And by giving up, I mean shove all of the pain down really far, deflect it by focusing on everyone and everything else, and/or allowing ourselves to fall deeper and deeper into this dark hole oblivion that we can't even begin to figure out which direction can help us find our way out. I have put myself in all of these scenarios during numerous tough times in my life, and I am telling you (and myself) that it's not necessary nor is it worth it. So please, even if it's in some small capacity, can we please make sharing our pain the norm? Can we please be loving and kind and not quick to judge and also create a safe space for others to be vulnerable and transparent with us about their "stuff?" Just think about it for a sec. How wonderful it would be to feel loved and supported through some of our darkest days and knowing that we don't have to go it alone. I think this alone could be and hopefully already is life-changing for so many. I know it's been so for me, and for that I am incredibly grateful. 

So going back to my previous blog post, y'all had me all up in my feels to the point that I was getting a little wallflower-ish and whatnot. Thank you for loving me in spite of myself. After I exposed myself so deeply, I seriously just wanted to crawl under a rock and never be found again. I hardly slept the entire night due to these racing, instrusive thoughts of rejection, judgment and abandonment becoming my "norm" for another round. Thank you for proving me and my negative thoughts wrong. Thank you for helping me to, step by step, get out of my own way and enter into yet another layer of the "onion healing" thing-a-mah-jig, or whatever. 

This week has been quite a doozy, to be honest. Between hormones, the New Moon in Leo today, what would've been my grandma's birthday two days ago and also marking one year ago that I would hear her voice for the very last time, to the realization that yesterday would've marked 20 years of marriage to my first ex-husband after having gone years of not even really having a second thought about the "significance" of the day. Life is "funny." Trauma is "funny." Pain is "funny." And by "funny", I mean weird and so unpredictable at times. Inner healing is essential and messy and beautiful. Sign me up. So yeah, if you're looking for me tonight, I'll just be over here journaling, meditating, burning some sage incense, and going to bed early because, frankly, I am tired AF and deserve a freaking moment. As do we all, right? Cuz tomorrow, I'll be right back at it again, hustlin', healin', lovin' and believin' for the best because I know that good things are here and more good things are on their way, and I refuse to go back to hiding in the shadows of my own pain and missing out on it all. Wanna join me? 

Photo is from: https://www.thespruce.com/wallflower-plant-profile-4799246