#41
Welp, this is it. I am officially 41 years old today. I woke up early this morning, took a nice shower, got myself ready and made my way downstairs to the dining room of the hotel I am currently staying at here in Spain for a few days. After breakfast, I came back up to my room, chatted with my kids, and I just sat. I am still sitting. Pondering, Reflecting. Purging. Contemplating. Emotional. Looking back, looking forward, and trying to stay in the now moment. 40 was quite messy actually. I encountered many truths, and lots of them were painful ones. I started off 40 in probably one of the deepest pits that I had ever found myself in and yet did an emaculate job at hiding it all from the rest of the world. Masks and facades worked great...so I thought. Until I decided that enough was enough and ripped them off one by one by one. And here we are now, a year later...
I am not sure what I expected this day to be. I wasn't sure how I might feel when I woke up this morning. Should I be joyful? is it okay to be sad and emotional? I mean, it IS the New Moon in Virgo today so that's surely been bringing all kinds of stuff to the surface to be looked at and dealt with. Perhaps parts of me had hoped that life might look a bit different this year. Maybe I'd be happier, richer, taller...I don't freaking know. Regardless of any of those thing, I am grateful. Despite currently feeling a bit lonely on my birthday even though I purposely chose for this, I am grateful. I have learned so much about myself this past year. I have grown and healed in ways that I perhaps never even dreamt were possible, and yet here I am. I accomplished so so much as well, and I am just blown away by the many opportunities that have been awarded to me. I finished my first year of my post-bachelor's program, I started my own coaching & counselling practice, and I have many other projects currently in the works. My kiddos are happy, healthy and thriving. I am beyond grateful.
But this feeling in my gut that I just can't even explain, and I am bursting out into tears as I type this. There is a mourning taking place. As much as I have gained, I also acknowledged how much I've lost this past year. I lost lots of friends, I lost my grandmother suddenly, there was love lost, hearts crushed, and truths realized. I grieve these losses, and yet I have built up the strength to move forward. I have to. I can't dwell. You acknowledge, you grieve, you move onto the next thing. So this is my process. It's bittersweet at times because I really do miss these people whom I've lost (or perhaps who have lost me) along the way, but I have come to the realization that sometime people are only meant to walk into your life for a reason (whether it be a brief moment, a season, or even a lifetime) to teach you lessons before exiting yet again. Sometimes, relationships become misaligned which causes people to part ways. It's messy and hard, but it's life. I will always love those who entered into my life, even just for the blink of an eye. You're part of the reason I am who I am today. I am incredibly thankful for the spark you've set aflame in my life at the moment the Universe knew I needed you to be there. You'll always be gold to me.
So what now? I am now a year older, hopefully a bit wiser, and I am continually evolving into the most authentic version of myself each and every day. I don't know what the future looks like because I don't even know what an hour from now looks like. I trust it'll be good and joyful and full of treasure, hope and promise. I believe that the Universe has the very best for me, and it's a life of love, abundance, and simple goodness that allows for sunshine, smiles and uncontrollable laughter alongside the tearing, the pain, the pruning, the healing and the walking through the fire. It's a beautiful and messy mix, and I am totally here for it. I was made for this. I am excited about where I am at this point in my life regardless of how things may look and feel at times. I have and will always have something and someone to be grateful for. These blessings in my life don't go unnoticed these days. I am learning more and more to be content in the "now", to release control and to just go with the flow. Step by step.
So often I would absolutely dread celebrating my birthday, especially with others around. A lot of my birthdays during my childhood and young adult years have been surrounded by so much trauma that it made me question even more about the purpose of my very existence because it all just felt like a cruel joke or punishment. I often felt lonely and forgotten on my birthday, and that partially still rings true on this day. It's a trauma that I am currently working through and healing from. I am facing it head and heart on because I want to wake up next year and not feel triggered by remnants of unforgotten birthdays or swarmed by the lies that I am unseen, unheard and misunderstood. Each year, it does get easier. Life becomes clearer. I heal more and grow more into the true essence of who I am as this divine feminine being. I am learning to love her unconditionally well, to nurture her, to tend to her needs, her wants, her dreams and her desires. I am learning to realize that regardless of what happens around her, she will never go unnoticed by the Universe and should never go unnoticed by herself. And that's all that matters. She wasn't even *supposed* to be here, incarnated into this life, into this body at such a time as this. But here she is, crushin' it, growing in strength and bad-assery and slashing any and all giants that try to stand in her way.
41, I think I like you already. I think you'll be a great year. Perhaps my best year yet.
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