Shameful

 

Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I learn to delight in the day. Sometimes, I meditate. Other times, I take random selfies that I would like to tell you are shameless. They're not. Okay, maybe a little. Purity culture is a bitch. People are bitches. My ego is the biggest bitch. I don't even know.

I have been struggling a lot lately with shame. I would also like to think that, through the struggles, I am also healing a bit in this area of my life. I guess time will tell with all of this inner work that I have been doing and continue to keep myself busy with. See the septum piercing? I got that a week and a half ago just because I wanted to. I jokingly told the guy who did the piercing that it's probably some midlife crisis bullshit as I am closely approaching my 41st birthday, but yeah. I had been thinking about it for a while, and, against all odds, I decided to bite the bullet. I consider it a birthday gift from my kids. Haha. It's been quite interesting with some of the double takes I've gotten now that I have my nose pierced with what my dairy farmer dad would probably call, "a cow ring." That's actually how I explained it to him on the phone when we spoke recently, and I told him about my newest piercing. He goes, "What would you do that for?!" My response? "Cuz I am 40 years old, I don't give a fuck, and I do what I want!" His response? "Ahh okay." And that was that. But deep down, I did (and do) give a fuck. 

I have always cared. I've always worried about the opinions of others far before I've ever even considered my own, especially in regards to myself. It's been a lifelong tug-o-war to work through this, and I am still not where I want to be but I guess further along this healing journey than I've ever been. You see, not only do I like that picture of me above, but I LOVE it. But, due to shame, I've had to work up the courage to even post it. Because I look too provocative. Because I look too sexy. Because It's not the pure or right thing to do. Because I am a mother, and I should be honorable and responsible and aware of how such images could damage and/or embarrass my kids. FULL. STOP. I am tired of hiding. I am exhausted from being told I need to remain in the shadows and never reveal too much of myself because it would be detrimental to myself and others. I have worked hard to be who I am today. I have fought many demons, cried through many sleepless nights, and have remained the human shield for many arrows of hatred and judgment that have been thrown my way to get to this point in my life. I am tired. 

I just want to feel alive and real and true and authentic, and I often struggle to feel, be or act like any of those things because I am not even sure what they're supposed to feel like and if I have the audacity to keep trying to find it out. But here I am, exposing myself, my deepest, truest, darkest thoughts despite the fact that others have strongly encouraged me to just keep it all private and keep my mouth shut. Nope. I will never ever ever become unashamed unless I boldly and bravely say shit, post shit and just be DA SHIT in whatever ways feel right and real and true for me. Including posting a picture. Or getting a septum cow nose ring. I dunno. 

Today marks the start of Virgo season, which is my Sun sign. I will tell you something boldly and bravely (in my mind, anyway). I had a very intense emotional breakdown tonight. I balled for a couple of hours, and I got to a point where I just felt so alone and helpless. The idea was to celebrate my birthday with the kiddos today after school since I will be away this weekend on my actual day, but things went differently. I was thrown some curveballs that just threw my brain for a loop, and the executive dyfunction, the overstimulation and any and all other ADHD triggers came out for a gang bitch slap. I was stressed and just felt so naked and exposed and gross. After all of the time, effort, blood, sweat, tears, etc that I have put in doing the inner work, and I end up with a fucking anxiety attack that I hadn't last experienced for over a year since I went through a month-long dark night of the soul? Da fuc?! But it showed me something, these very difficult and raw moments earlier this evening. I am a Virgo aka "Miss Perfection", but tonight I wasn't. Nope. I felt forgotten, unloved, confused, angry, defeated...the list goes on. I actually allowed myself to not be perfect on this messy journey. I actually allowed myself to be with myself, feel it all and strangely enough, be okay with it. It took some time. It took some dazing out on my bed and just a bit of nothingness, but eventually calm entered again. Relief happened. Wow.

Last week, I had an epiphany. It came out of nowhere, but I knew it was a little golden nugget from the Universe that hit me like the "aha moment" right at the perfect moment that I needed. I spent a lot of time on the farm, particularly at my grandparents' house. I had a lot of 1:1 time with my Grandma, and she used to always say something to be that kept me puzzled for most of my life. Until last week. She used to say, "Jessica, you're so sentimental! Why do you always have to be so sentimental?!" I mean, this started when I was a young kid. I had no idea what the heck that even meant, and Webster's Dictionary wasn't much help for my 10- year old developing and curious brain. I honestly almost never knew how to answer her so I just hit her with the blank stare, I would look down to the ground in shame. Shame for being "sentimental", and shame for not even knowing what the hell "sentimental" even meant. So back to last week, I had this train of thoughts about how I am a highly sensitive empath who sucks up people's energy, and it's exhausting, and I have this love/hate relationship with it, but here we are. And I started criticizing myself for being this way and just remembering how my Grandma always discouraged me from expressing my emotions because you're weak if you do, and so I held my emotions in for many years until I didn't, and now I am this hot mess of a ball of emotions who goes back and forth between chakra underdrive and overdrive and...and...and...GAH. SHE DIDN'T ACCUSE ME OF BEING SENTIMENTAL! SHE ACCUSED ME AND WAS ANNOYED WITH ME FOR BEING SENSITIVE! It took me a good 30 plus years to figure this out because her native language was Dutch, and so she misinterpreted words more often...like when she would count, and all of us grandkids would giggle because it was always knew what was coming: one, two, three, four, five, SEX, seven, eight, nine, ten. Because the English "six" and the Dutch "zes" make "sex." You're welcome. You're double welcome for the grammatically incorrect run-on sentence that I could give two flying shits about. So yeah.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. I had been discouraged and shamed my entire life for practically existing. My memory is also shitty so don't even ask me to remember your name, but I've probably shared this before. While I was working on my portfolio for school, I came acros an assignment I had to complete that dealt with the stoppers and drivers of Transactional Analysis. (You should look it up cuz it's actually quite interesting.) I had to write about which drivers and stoppers I identify with and how each resonates with me. Talk about triggers. Especially while working on the stoppers, I felt like I was reliving some of the most painful parts of my childhood and early adulthood. "Don't exist. Don't belong. Don't feel. Don't think. Don't be a child. Don't succeed"...and so on. These phrases have consciously been tormenting my ego ever since, and it's been felt like a constant bee sting right in the bottom of your foot (and yes, I have literally had this happen to me. It hurts like Hades.). It's like I am bleeding pain. I know it's a good thing, but damn, it hurts. With each of these phrases, I could tell you explicit details of the times during my life when I have rehearsed these very messages to myself, and it still happens to this very day. I hate it. I want to not give into these lies, but they're there. They're up to the plate to be swung out of the park and dealt with once and for all. There's no use in hiding them because they're just there and seen anyway. Even though I am almost never screaming them at myself directly, I am exuding the energy that these phrases carry through each moment that I am painfully reminded of their existence. It's no rocket science to figure out how often I feel like I am the weirdo who doesn't belong, who's never been part of the "in crowd" and who often times feels like an ultimate failure because I am in the situation I'm in and so desperately working to get myself out of it. Yeah. 

So if there are moments when you've maybe thought I was trying anything I could to get people's attention, just know that it took a lot of courage for me to show myself. It's taken a lot of courage to share parts of me that I have, and it's taken fighting fears of rejection and abandonment to simply feel like I am allowed to exist and have the space to curiously explore the true essence of who I am. I have known for a long time that little "inner child" Jess has been hurting, and I have been holding a wall up between her and I because I was ashamed to even look her in the eyes for fear of failing her once again. That's all changing now, and I am grateful for that. I am relieved that I can finally start to look at her and address her and have her sit on my lap and really discover together what she needs while releasing the constant feelings of self-condemnation that I have let her down so badly. I am a work-in-progress. I am healing. I am growing. I am learning. I am. I'm me. That's it. That's the message. 

Love, and goodnight hugs.