Crossing Over

Well, here we are. In just a little more than a half hour, I will be entering into a whole new decade. Yep. I will be turning 40 years old. It sounds all cryptic and shit to even think about that. I had mentioned before how I remember when my mom turned 40, and it just felt like she was so old. I honestly don't feel this way really, but I do feel like I may be going through some sort of midlife crisis to some degree. (More on that in a future post...haha!) Anyway, I can't believe this thing is already here. Just a couple of years ago, it still felt like an eternity away. Gosh, I remember when I was about to turn 30 and how weird and old and whatever I felt. I was all in my feelings and just didn't know how to accept moving into a new decade. I have that a little bit now too, but it's just different. I can't explain it. Maybe at some point, I will be able to. I just am still "in it" right now so I guess I will probably be able to share more once I've had some time to process and look back on this time. I also plan on writing soon about many of the life lessons I've learned in my 30's. This was actually supposed to be that post, but I decided to change directions based on some events and time of reflection this past week. 

I have honestly had a weird couple of days. It's actually just been a weird fucking year. It honestly doesn't even really have to do with the pandemic, but I will say that some things have happened in my life because there is a pandemic. This would include some positive things as well as negative. Like I said, it's been quite the year. I really expected my life to look a lot differently at 40. I don't think I have ever been thrown for such a loop in my life as much as I have at this time in my life, and that's saying a lot! I survived a very painful and traumatic divorce, a turbulent and also traumatic childhood, heartbreak and so much more so I didn't think things could get more crazy or weird, but I guess the Universe had other plans. Life has been a whirlwind, and I know I say this a lot in my posts. But yeah, it's true. I feel like I could do a great job of focusing on all of the places I am not (yet) and all of the things I haven't accomplished (yet), but why do that? There are so many things I have done and so many places I have reached in my life, and I am incredibly grateful for each part of the journey, regardless of how difficult or painful it has been. 

I have been going through the very intense period of inner healing the past few months and actually the past few years. However, these past few months have shown me the greatest amount of growth I have made as a person. I can say that with confidence too, and I am so happy about it. It hasn't been easy. I have had to endure many tough days, but I have survived and even overcome each and every one of them. I have learned a lot about myself, others, relationships, expectations, goals, and so much more. I have dropped more layers of the Christian aura that still seems to linger around me, and I am becoming more and more free in regards to my deep thinking and contemplation of life. I have had my heart broken, and I have kicked my own ass. Also in these things lie many learned lessons. I am in process. I am growing, flowing, ascending, and moving forwards and upwards, and I couldn't be more thrilled. 

Back to the past few days...it's been wild and exhausting. I should probably mention that I almost always experience great amounts of anxiety around the time of my birthday. This has been the case for years, and while it's improved significantly, it's still there. I have trauma regarding my birthday. My special day was hardly recognized as a kid, and that's always been hard for me. It's a root thing when it comes to me often feeling unseen, unheard, and misunderstood. I have grown and healed a lot in this area, but I am also realistic and know I still have more to tackle. I will get there. I am well on my way. So yeah, I spent most of yesterday in bed. I was hit with emotions from the night before, and it's just sort of lingered into today. I did some meditation, I rested, and I just tried to focus on positive things. The irony is that I went to therapy on Tuesday and was feeling pretty good about my progress, but that was until all hell seemed to break loose and laugh me in the face that same evening. I couldn't really put my finger on what was triggering me, but I did what I always do and just sat in those emotions, gave them the time they needed, and then I released them. Or well, I tried to. But I couldn't truly release them until this morning. 

I had slept like absolute shit for the past couple of nights. I was up several times in the middle of the night, and then I was being woken up super early by three little monkeys with whom I reside. I was just lying in bed this morning when I was overcome with emotion and began to weep. Suddenly, all of these memories started to flow into my mind, and I was just undone. The word, "disappointment", was highlighted to me. I was reminded by all of the people in my life (past and present) who has often looked to me as a disappointment and even declared this exact thing over my life on numerous occasions. Because of this, I spent years almost hating myself because I chose to believe them. This mindset really started to shift this year, for which I am so grateful because it had been a long time coming and such a relief. I started standing up for myself and choosing not to accept their words or feelings that they were attempting to project onto me based on their own flaws and/or insecurities. I have lost relationships over the years with parents, grandparents, siblings, and friends because I chose to stick up for myself and stand in my truth. I have zero regrets. 

After I found myself weeping in my bed, I made a decision that I was going to get up and make the best of today since it's my last day of being 39 and so also the last day of being in this decade aka my 30's. I was feeling heavy still as I decided to hop into the shower. If there is one thing you need to know about me is that I tend to have some pretty intense and profound spiritual moments and talks with God while I am in the shower. It's been this way for years, and I am convinced that it has something to do with being all naked and exposed. It's all good. Whatever works, God. Haha. As I was standing under the water, I started thinking about the whole disappointment thing. I could see the faces of all of the people who have told me time and time again how disappointed they were or are in me because I see the world differently than they do or choose to live in a way that they may not approve of. It brought me more grief, and I spent a good five minutes just crying it out as the black mascara streamed down my face. I then was reminded of something cool. God showed me how the Israelites spent 40 years wandering around the desert until they reached the promised land. Surely they made a shit ton of mistakes along the way, were often stubborn, and well...you get the picture. I felt like God wanted to parallel this story a bit to my life. It was like He was showing me that I am now reaching 40 years. I have walked through so many deserts and fought hard to get to where I am today. Now, I am finally entering into my promised land, the land of milk and honey with blessings are abundant, and I am truly at peace. This whole idea gave me so much joy and caused me to immediately feel much lighter. I said a prayer breaking off every spirit and word of disappointment that had been spoken over me and also released forgiveness towards those who spoke those words. It was a relief, and I finally felt like that dark cloud had finally lifted. I got out, got dressed, and ended up having a fun and adventurous day with my kids. I made the most of my last day of being in this decade. How cool is that? 

Because I know more and more who I am, I am also learning more and more about who I am becoming. I am turning 40. It'll officially happen at 4:06 pm EST, which is 10:06 pm Dutch time, but hey...If I remember correctly, I get the whole day, week or even month to celebrate, right? Haha! So here I am, crossing over into the decade of my 40's. Here I am, growing and healing and becoming more and more confident in who I am, where I am headed, and all that I bring to the fucking table. I am a goddamn cheetah, and I am the only one standing in my way and caging myself in by holding onto any and all mindsets that do not serve me in this new season of my life. I am continuing to embrace my fears, my anxieties as well as my flaws and allow each layer of who I am to be peeled away so I can go deeper and heal, grow and evolve into the best version of myself. I am learning not only to be afraid of the future and all of its unknowns, but I am also learning to live in the present and do it with purpose and to make myself full available for it. I am heading to Germany this weekend to celebrate the big 4-0 with a group of my friends. I feel so blessed that there are actually people out there who want to take the time to celebrate me and my existence. I cannot even begin to tell you how humbled I am. I am humbled and blessed by everyone who is in my life and/or with whom I have crossed paths with at one point of another. Each and every one of you has left a mark on my heart and made an impression on me that has helped to mold and shape me into the woman I am today. For that, I say thank you. I am eternally grateful for you because, without you, I wouldn't have learned all of the lessons that I have had to learn up until this point in my life. 

So with that, I say cheers to 40! Watch out, world!  I am crossing over, and this new decade is going to be one hell of a ride! She ready, baby! She ready!