Feeling and Burning

 It's been quite a busy week. Two of the three kiddos have been attending an English-speaking summer camp which requires a half hour bike ride each way. I've been biking roughly two hours per day this week, and I'll be damned if I don't have an ass and thighs of steel by Friday afternoon. I love the workout though. The weather has been absolutely gorgeous, and I really have been enjoying the ability to be outside in nature and clear my head a bit. It's been necessary, too, because I have found myself all up in my feelings and struggling a bit last night and this morning. (Thank you, hormones!...#sorrynotsorry for the TMI). I am not down or hopeless or something like that. I am also not depressed. I just...I guess I am feeling a bit meh at the moment. I find myself missing certain people, questioning my relationships, becoming a little anxious and unsure about my upcoming birthday, etc. I know it's just a wave of emotions, and I really do need to get out of my own head. J, my therapist, even told me this yesterday. 

So yeah. I went to therapy yesterday, and it was good. J and I had a good conversation, including wrapping up the mindful analysis writing exercises I have been doing with her. She asked me what meditation looks like to me. How do I meditate? Which types of meditation exercises do I use, etc. I told her about the app I use and how much I've enjoyed it the past few months since I first discovered it. She then explained to me about the body scan meditative exercise we had done the week before and how this type of meditation is good to help people like myself to get out of our head. She said that she sees it so often with patients who have fibromyalgia that they carry a lot of head weight so-to-speak and therefore not allow themselves to feel or experience what's fully going on in their bodies. Ahhh...this is confirmation for me. Why? Well, I have been learning more and more to focus not only inward but also to become more in tune with what and how my body is communicating to me. This whole concept was laid out pretty clearly for me while reading a book called, "Whole Again" by Jackson MacKenzie. He lays out the fact that it's important for us to process our emotions and feel it all, and one of the ways we're able to effectively do this is with our body. So I asked J where I can find some of these body scan meditations because the one she did with me last week was really powerful for me. She said that she will send me some that she herself has put together. I am looking forward to that email, too, since J has a very nice, calming and soothing voice. Haha. 

Another thing J and I discussed yesterday in regards to getting out of my head and more in tune with my body is to get more into nature. I mean, I do some of this already...well, sort of. I honestly don't garden anymore like I used to years ago. She said just getting my hands in the ground might prove to be therapeutic for me. She also encouraged me to go barefoot more and walk on various kinds of surfaces in order to feel the differences and embrace the sensory input of each individual surface. This idea intrigued me because I have a friend who has been telling me to do the same thing. She did commend me for getting out and about more...more in nature. I need to be outside, go for a walk, a run, a bike ride, get some fresh air and just breathe. I can do that. I mean, I have been doing this all week and really enjoying it. I just need to honestly step up my game and try my best not to get all up in my thoughts. Easier said than done. Sigh. 

I woke up this morning feeling blah. I had had a weird dream, and I really had to push myself to get out of bed and start my day. I got the kids ready and out the door, and off to the summer camp we biked. On my way home, I biked a bit more slowly. I have a bit of a cold at the moment so it was actually nice to have an excuse not to bike like madwoman, even though I actually normally prefer that. Ha! After having biked through three areas of my city, I was finally on the last leg of my journey. I entered the bike path along the highway that is full of trees and green and just serenity. I decided to stop, drink some water, and snap a couple of pictures while no one else was around. Become one with nature. Just embrace the freedom and the peace around me. Learn to listen to what and how my body is communicating to me, and for goodness sake...get the hell outta my damn head. Allow myself to feel it all and let the waves of emotions wash over me but not overtake me. Wow. Easier said than done, but it can be done. I am living proof. Each and every day. 

Here is an excerpt from the book, "Untamed," by Glennon Doyle. I have probably mentioned before that this book literally changed my life last year, and I find myself going back to reread its powerful message over and over again. 

From the chapter called, "Feel": 

"First: I can feel everything and survive. 

What I thought would kill me, didn't. Every time I said to myself: I cant take this anymore -- I was wrong. The truth was that I could and did take it all -- I kept surviving. Surviving again and again made me less afraid of myself, of other people, of life. I learned that I'd never be free from pain, and that was enough. I finally stopped avoiding fire long enough to let myself burn, and what I learned was that I am like that burning bush:  The fire of pain won't consume me. I can burn and burn and live. I can live on fire. I am fireproof. 

Second:  I can use pain to become. 

I am here to keep becoming truer, more beautiful versions of myself again and again forever. To be alive is to be in a perpetual state of revolution. Everything I need to become the woman I'm meant to be next is inside my feelings of now. Life is alchemy, and emotions are the fire that turns me to gold. I will continue to become only if I resist extinguishing myself a million times a day. If I can sit in the fire of my own feelings, I will keep becoming." 

Damn. Every single time that I read this part, it hits me. I am totally feeling my feelings and emotions, and I am learning to become more in tune with my body and also what my heart is speaking to me. My thoughts tend to try to interrupt the conversation, but this happens only if I allow it to. To me, this whole process is not only that of a revolution but also an evolution. The more I expose myself to the fire, the more refined I become, and the more I get closer to becoming the best version of myself. Ouch. It's not easy by any means, but it is so so worth it. That's what I have been experiencing first hand as of late, and I am honestly still here going through it with stride because I know that it'll only continue to get better and more beautiful as the process continues. So with that, let the fire burn...