Choosing Joy

It's Friday morning, and I am exhausted. I didn't sleep much last night and woke up with a headache. Luckily, I didn't have to bring the kiddos to summer camp this morning since I had to be home for the repair person to come fix my washer. I am happy to report that the washer is now working perfectly, and the job to fix it literally took like 5 minutes. Go figure. Ha. I feel like I should've been doing a million other things by now since it's lunchtime. I have my workout clothes on, and I was honestly ready to rip my rowing machine to shit, but nope. I should've probably started a load of laundry or mopped the floors or cleaned my bathrooms or make beds. Also, nope. Didn't get any of that nonsense done either.

I sat down at the dining room table and ate some breakfast while trying to figure out my plan of action, but all I could focus on was the thought that I really needed to meditate. So I went up to my bedroom, got comfy, and I completed a body scan meditation that my therapist had emailed to me earlier this week. It was good, and I felt at peace and grounded. However, I knew in my heart of hearts that I was just getting started. After the meditation, I grabbed my MacBook and headed over to YouTube. I put on some of my favorite songs from Maverick City Music, and I just let loose. I did some things that I hadn't done in a hot minute. I raised my hands and sang my heart out with full hope, joy, and anticipation of all of the wonderful things that lie ahead of me in my life. Sure, go ahead and call me crazy, too spiritual, too optimistic, etc. It doesn't bother me. I know where I am at, and I am okay with it. Not everyone can relate to me and/or my journey, and that's also okay. Not everyone is supposed to. It's all good. It's taken a whole lot for me to get where I am at on my spiritual journey, and that in and of itself is a miracle. Just a few months ago, I was ready to proclaim myself an atheist and call it a day. As I have stated before, I do not identify myself as a Christian and haven't for two and a half years, and I honestly doubt I ever will again. I am not big on labels anyway. I know my relationship with God, and that's all that matters to me. 

As I was singing my heart out on my bed, I had to think back to some key times in my life. I remember when I was a teenager in my bedroom not long after I had made the decision to become a Christian. I must've been around 15 or 16 years old. My bedroom was made up of these dark brown wood paneled walls and a faded tan carpet. It was downstairs in the back of our slanted little house, and I was okay with that. I had my own space away from everyone else where I could just be me. I remember having this touch lamp with a dimmer in my room that I had "stolen" from my mom. I also had my big boom box in my room with a CD player, cassette player and the works because...hey, 1996 is callin' for ya! Haha. I used to spend hours upon hours in that bedroom. It had become my own little haven tucked away from the rest of the world. I remember more often having my touch lamp on the dim setting, church worship music on, journals opened, and my imagination running wild. It sounds dreamy, right? What I didn't share is all of the chaos on the other side of that locked bedroom door. I had it locked to keep people out, to keep the abuse out, to try and find a sense of safety and solace in that space when most times I didn't feel safe at all. A whole lot of creations were birthed during moments like this in that bedroom throughout the years. That bedroom has also seen some of my darkest moments on some of my darkest days. I remember being bedridden on and off during my senior year of high school due to a "mysterious illness" that kept me so weak and exhausted for days, weeks, and even months at a time. Well, it turns out that this illness was and is the fibromyalgia that started tormenting my body at the age of 11, and doctors didn't know enough about the condition to even have it on their radar to give me a diagnosis. Thankfully, a lot has changed since then, and I received an official diagnosis in 2013. 

I happened to look up at the piles of journals and papers on my dresser that I had dug out a couple of weeks ago to sort through so I grabbed those and started reading. One of the books I opened up was an old prayer journal from 2007. It was during such a scary and confusing time in my life where I had been living like some kind of nomad, literally moving halfway around the world from place to place, trying to find a sense of home and belonging. I went from upstate New York to Amsterdam, to Heidelberg, Germany to Las Vegas to Los Angeles to Southern Oregon and finally ended up in Northern California for a bit with hopes and dreams to attend a ministry school at a big church there, but finances and other means fell through. I ended up homeless, and a newly married couple from that church graciously took me in. I was and am still utterly grateful for their love, kindness and selflessness during such a crazy and unsure time in my life. I read these words and could feel the desperation jumping out from the pages as I teared up a bit just in awe of how far I have come since that season. Wow. Talk about things that make you humble.

One of the most exciting things I found was an old journal filled with all kinds of songs that I had written over the years. It was so nice to reminisce about all of the places I've been, the situations I was in when those songs were written and also where my heart and mind were at during those precious times. I wrote about God, society, faith, love, heartbreak, and so much more. It's just fascinating to me to look back at this stuff and think about my journey throughout the years that has brought me to this present moment in time. I even found a pile of printed out prophetic words that had been spoken over me throughout the years, some dating back to 1998. Others were from early 2005, during my divorce. My divorce was probably one of the most painful experiences of my life. I remember when I started going through it in 2004, someone said to me that divorce is like a death. I can't even begin to tell you how right they were. There were moments during those many months where I felt so broken, rejected, abandoned, hopeless, thrown away, desperate, and it felt like the world itself was literally crashing down on me. I remember losing over 50 pounds (23 kgs) in just two months' time due to the stress and agony I had walked through. I walked through it mostly alone, too. Family was distant, both physically and emotionally, and friends had moved away and kept more to themselves because they didn't know what to say or do with me or my grief. I also lost my job, luckily found a new one and then another part-time one added into the mix in order to be able to stay afloat and cover all of the bills. That was a hard time that has since shaped me for the better, and I am so thankful that I was able to go through it. Call me crazy, but it's true. 

Life hasn't necessarily been easy. Nope, it's been quite a rollercoaster for all of us at different moments in our lives. I am in a decent place right now, but I will say that healing is hard and messy despite how good and necessary it is. When you make a conscious choice to do the actual work to focus inward and do the things that need to be done in order to heal from your wounds, trauma, inner child stuff, etc., ooh that hurts. But really, it's in these moments that we have a choice as to how we will respond that makes all the difference. I cannot and will not pretend to have all of the answers because I don't nor will I ever. However, I have learned a thing or two on these almost 40 years on planet Earth, and one of the most important lessons has been about joy. What do I mean by that? What even is joy? Well, I can only tell you about what it's been for me, and who knows...maybe it'll encourage you to look at that word from a new angle moving forward. 

I have learned time and time again that JOY is a CHOICE. Yep. I said it. Joy really is a choice. Society teaches us time and time again that we are to strive for happiness. If this, that and all of the other shit fall into place, we have finally reached it. Bliss, happiness, euphoria, elation, thrill, jubilation, etc. We have arrived. Well, sure. If you say so. But I have experienced time and time again so much pain, disappointment and rejection while striving to attain whatever this "eternal happiness" is supposed to entail, and it's only left me feeling more lost, confused, and hopeless. Why? Because I believe it's impossible for life to be 100% perfect at any given moment. That's not me being a pessimist. Perhaps you could call me more of a realist in this respect, but hey. I am not saying that those buffalo wings or that mint chocolate chip ice cream hitting my lips doesn't give me small moments of absolute bliss that can equate to perfection. I am also not saying that hearing my children giggling their butts off could not be compared to heaven on earth. I absolutely DO believe these things. However, these moments come and go, and they are never our constant. If they are, I think that may be because we're striving for some sort of toxic positivity and/or lying to ourselves that we can and should feel any negative emotions in life. Going through difficult times is inevitable, and to be "on" and "happy" all of the time is not only unrealistic but also unhealthy and terribly exhausting. 

So some of the situations that I have mentioned above are just a few exmaples of times in my life where I have had to choose joy. I have had to search my heart and go deeper into my knowing to realize that joy occurs in the midst of our storms. We all have a decision to make as far as how we respond to the trials in tribulations in our lives. That said, I am a huge advocate for feeling ALL of your feelings, including and especially the good, the bad and the ugly ones. This is something that I am actually learning full force at the moment. It's important for us to process these emotions in a healthy way so we can press forward and continue onward on our healing journey. I have learned for myself that staying there too long and dwelling on the negative stuff has only caused me more harm than good in the end. Life lessons can be super hard and can just suck, but they exist for a reason. Without them, we wouldn't ever have true opportunities to grow, prosper and thrive in life. It's some of those greatest life lessons that have helped to shape us into who we are to this present day. 

JOY. It doesn't mean being "on" all of the time. It's doesn't mean that you have to have it all figured out. It's doesn't mean that you have to make it appear like you have all of your shit together when it feels like you're absolutely falling apart inside. For me, it's meant moments of desperation, surrender, praising God with hands lifted high through the agony, the pain and the tears. It's meant learning to let go of people, things, and situations and learning to nuture the sting of those losses on a daily basis. It's been knowing that I have what it takes to not only to survive difficult situations or circumstances, but I have the power to OVERCOME them. Wow. Sometimes, being in survival mode is totally okay. I experienced it not too long ago actually, and there were days when I felt almost like I couldn't even function. I did the minimal that I could do to keep myself and kids alive, keep the household going and try to find moments to breathe in between while feeling like all I might do is fall over and collapse at any given moment. I've had to process a whole lot of stings during my lifetime, and it's honestly such a sigh of relief when those stings don't have the same effect on me as they once did. Joy has taught me a lot. Joy has given me hope in hopeless situations and encouraged me that life ain't over just because I was going through a tough season. Nah. Joy is life-giving. Joy gives me the confidence that everything will turn out just fine in life, as in exactly how it's supposed to. It reminds me that I have successfully survived every single bad day, moment, or situation in my life up until now so I am doing just fine. I guess this means my track record and yours are good so we must be doing something right. Like I said before, I don't claim to know it all. I am just sharing some things that I have learned throughout the years. If anything I've said resonates with you, awesome. If not, that's also okay. You be you, and you do you. We all have our own process, our own journey, our own path. That's the beauty of it all. That's what makes life fun, exciting, interesting, and also what ushers in some of the most complicated shit any of us will ever deal with in our lifetime. The power of human interaction. Whew. 

So now that I have gotten all deep n' shit today, I just have one more thing to say: "Thanks for coming to my TED talk." <insert sarcastic laughter> You're welcome.