Escape

 I've been MIA for a minute. I am currently processing a lot in my life, and unfortunately I can't share everything with you because of the nature of it. I'm fine, or I will be. Life is just...hard. Glennon Doyle tells me that I can do hard things. She has become one of my most favorite authors over the past year, and her latest book has been life changing for me. I may have mentioned her book before because ya know, I am forgetful AF and tend to not ever know where to put a fucking comma in a sentence. Anyway, the book is called, "Untamed." So yeah, back to life. 

I have been in bed all day resting, watching movies, thinking, overthinking, pondering, dreaming, and thinking AGAIN. Ugh. I feel like my brain is its own worst enemy sometimes. I am home alone for the afternoon, and I am honestly enjoying the peace and quiet. I watched a movie today called, "Just Say Yes." It's the newest Dutch romantic comedy with some of my favorite Dutch actors. It's kind of cheezy, but I loved it. Why? It allowed me to escape. While watching, I was able to put my own shit aside for a moment and just dream about the what if's of what my life will possibly never look like and surely has never looked like for the first 39 and a half years of my existence. Call me weird, but I also love some high school movies like "The Kissing Booth" on Netflix. They allow me to go and relive what could have been during my high school years. I get to dream about what I missed and just allowed me to go back in time for a bit and not have to think about the complications of my life right now. Ugh. 

I honestly was feeling inspired to write earlier, and now I feel like I have nothing much to say. Maybe it's because there tends to be this conscious (and even sometimes subconscious) striving for perfection for me. I know there are things I need to let go and just accept. I also know that there are things I need to stand up for and take charge of in order to bring about the changes in my life that I desire to see. It all honestly just feels so overwhelming lately so that's why these movies comfort me. This may also be the reason why I had this massive dream to be a screenwriter and filmmaker from the age of 15, and it may also very well be the reason why I have this desire and dream to write books for all of the world to read. The problem with that has been pain, trauma, insecurities, and basically myself struggling to get the hell outta my own way. I have started a book actually, but I have been scared to write further because of how much it hurts to relive all of those painful experiences in my life. I also started writing scripts, and then I just laugh at myself because who am I to think they will ever go anywhere. It's not like I even know what the hell I am doing, right? 

People often say to me that it must be refreshing to have all three kids in elementary school now so I have more time for myself. Well, yes and no. Being home alone a lot has caused me to have to sit with myself and have to face myself, my thoughts, my fears, my insecurities and the like. I don't have the distractions that I once had to keep me from being able to avoid some of those thought processes that cause me so much pain and even anxiety more often than I'd like to admit. I definitely feel that I am at a crossroads in my life. I have some very big decisions to make in the coming weeks and months, and damnit...I am scared. I feel intimidated. I want to be sure that I am doing it right. I want to feel loved and cheered on through the process, but so many times I just don't hear or see anyone there. The lonliness is real. The struggle of so often feeling unseen, unheard, and misunderstood has and continues to rock me to my core. Does it matter? Do I need to be seen or heard or understood in order to move forward? Can't I just love myself enough through it all and be my own positive little inner voice that's rooting me on to the finish line? Not that even finishing anything has been a priority to me (thanks again, ADHD). Well, I shouldn't say that it's not important, but the process, the journey has been, is, and always will be what matters to me. During the process, I have learned so much about myself regardless of the fact that it's been excruciatingly painful at times to do so. 

I hope that there will be a point in my life where I won't want to switch off my reality and exchange it for someone else's. I hope someday to build a life that I won't want to escape from. Definitely easier said than done.