A Whirlwind of Emotions

These past few weeks have been quite chaotic, messy and beautiful all at the same time. I have been quite busy building up my practice, rounding up my last weeks of school, studying like crazy for my exams, tending to my kids and their needs, making myself available for commitments as the school year winds down, etc. In the midst of this, I would also like to tell you that I have managed to keep my house emaculate and the laundry folded and put away, but...well...yeah...no. Haha! Anyway, moving on...

Last week, Saturday, June 25th, would have been my Grandma Sunshine's 92nd birthday. It was also the day of my theoretical exam for my study. The day before that was when it was announced in the US that the SCOTUS overturned Roe vs. Wade. So, for me, all kinds of emotions were at play. I am honestly saddened for my birth country, but I do know so many kick ass people there who will continue to fight the good fight so that ALL people will be loved, valued and accepted for who she/he/they is/are. I am also continuing to be part of this revolution even from an ocean away because these types of decisions greatly impact people whom I love deeply, and no one should ever have to be denied proper healthcare or be told what to do with their body. Period. I will share with you, though, that this decision really triggered me, and it did so perhaps in ways or more so than I even expected it to. Why? (By the way, I do have permission from my mom to share this...). Without going into details, I will tell you that my mom had an abortion just a couple of months before I was conceived. If she had carried that baby to full-term, I could not exist because the pregnancies were too close together. So yeah, you can imagine that this court decision hit me pretty hard because it comes close to home. I mean, this was and is my very existence, and this is just one example of millions of stories being told all over the US. This (aka my being alive when she didn't get the chance to) is something that I have carried so much guilt and shame about since an adult family member told me what happened when I was just 8 or 9 years old. Many years later, and I still have moments that come up to be healed so I can continue to forgive myself for something that happened when I hadn't even existed yet. Yep. Sigh. So that was already happening. The grief, the disbelief, the anger, the disappointment, the frustration, the astonishment, etc. I just...I cried, as did so many others. But the fight ain't over. We're just getting started. 

So back to Saturday, I got up quite early in the morning, had a beautiful time of meditation, wrote in my journal some things that I am grateful for, and I also wrote Grandma Sunshine a letter to wish her a Happy Birthday in heaven (or wherever she is hanging out with Grandpa and having lots of dancing and fun, I'm sure). I took a shower, got the kids out of the house, and just tried to relax and review a few last things before the exam, which I had to take online at home. Now, mind you, I had been totally calm leading up until the exam. However, the closer it got to 10 am, the more anxious and unsure I started to feel. Can I do this? Can I focus? Did I study enough? Did I study effectively? These and so many more questions just began to flood my brain, and I kind of started to go into panic mode. When 10 am hit, I got to the first question and freaked out. My mind went a bit blank. It was really dumb, too, because I knew the answer, but I couldn't bring myself to type it out so I could continue on to the next question. So what did I do? I got up, shook it out, danced it out, drank some water, took some breaths, and I went for it! The rest of the exam was a blur, and I had 15 minutes to spare of the 2 hours allotted to complete the exam. I suppose I could've double checked my answers, but I was like "hell to da naw" because I didn't want to risk a technical glitch, lose my answers, fail the exam, have to do a retake, and have to deal with this all over again. It was done, and I could breathe...so I thought.

Shortly after the exam, one of my classmates who has also become a good friend, called me to discuss the exam. After that, I spoke with another classmate for a while who has also become a good friend of mine. We debriefed, and I thought I was okay....until I wasn't. Now, mind you, prior to the exam, several of my classmates kept telling me how well I will do, I am one of the top in the class, etc. While I am incredibly humbled by their confidence in me, I felt this not-to-subtle pressure to perform and not to prove anyone wrong. That's surely on me, and not on them at all. That afternoon, I just didn't feel good. I spoke with one of my best friends, and she helped me to talk through the emotions I had been experiencing. It was good chat. It was after these conversations as well as a time of self-reflection that it hit me: for the first time since being diagnosed with ADHD, I suddenly felt like it was more of a disability than any kind of superpower. I felt ashamed, guilty, defeated, and more because I felt like I let others down and more importantly, myself. I didn't do it perfectly. It was quite a struggle, and I was being pretty hard on myself about it all despite the fact that I hadn't taken an exam since 2011 for my Dutch NT2 course. For my entire life of knowing I was "different" and "weird", I couldn't mask it anymore and just try to breeze through it because I knew...I knew too much...about myself. That was painful, confrontational, but it was also liberating. 

So this past week, I took some time to go inward. I did some inner child healing work to try and understand where these thoughts and feelings regarding perfectionism and also not feeling good enough were coming from. A whole lot came up, and I was able to sit with it, grieve it, and allow it to pass through. I learned more about myself this past week, and it was wonderful despite how scary, vulnerable and intimidated it all made me feel. I even ordered a few books (since I only have 20 on my shelf and on my e-reader that still need to be read, but apparently that's not enough). Haha! Hopefully this summer, I will have some time to dive in to them. I did order a really cool book about inner child healing through creativity. I am so excited to get into it and complete the exercises. When I started on my inner healing journey, I made a promise to myself that if I was going to do this, I would give it my all. I am proud of myself that I have stayed committed to this promise all of this time despite how messy and excruciatingly painful it's been at times. It's been so so good, and I am grateful. 

Fast forward to yesterday, I went to the last class day of the first year of my post-bachelor's study program. I had mixed feelings because it's been such a wonderful year or learning, growth, self-reflection as well as meeting some of the most beautiful people on the planet. Yesterday was also my practical exam. This means that I would sit in a room with a classmate and be observed by the examiner while giving a mini coaching session for 20 minutes. No pressure. Haha! I was actually quite calm and feeling confident as I had practiced with a classmate and did a couple more sessions earlier in the week to prepare and to get feedback. After I coached my classmate, he coached me. I was quite open about the struggles I had been dealing with during the past week. I got emotional, and it was just nice to be able to share these things even though it was an exam. After my classmate was finished coaching me, the examiner woman "kicked him out" so she and I could discuss my coaching, etc. She was so sweet and kind to me. She told me first and foremost that I PASSED my exam!  YAY!! She also asked what my professional background is. When I told her I used to be a social worker, she said, "Aha! I knew it!" She gave me so many wonderful compliments and also a couple of critiques, which I found to be extremely valuable in this learning process. Afterwards, she grabbed my hand and held it for a few minutes and gave me a warm, loving "mama talk."  We both laughed and cried during those moments as she just encouraged me, loved on me and shared some real nuggets of wisdom with me. She also suggested a really nice book for me to read that she thought would be helpful for me. I ordered it immediately...(there I go again...ordering more books!). I was totally blindsided that this all happened as this was an exam, but yeah. Human connection is a powerful thing. I left that room feeling incredibly grateful and so deeply moved by what had just occurred. Wow. No words except more gratitude. I felt so seen, heard and understood. Totally amazed. 

After the sessions, my classmate said something powerful to me: he said, "Jess, I am really grateful with all that you shared today. It's really helped me to get to know you and understand you so much better. I really appreciate all that you shared with me. Thank you." Gahhh! What?! Seriously! I tried to hold back the tears as I also thanked him for opening up with me, and we shared a big brotherly/sisterly hug and laughed about being "the dream team" for the exam yesterday. I also had a really nice conversation with my instructor about my exam and my conversation with the examiner. It was really nice to connect with her and discuss some things that we can both relate to in our personal lives. Later, we did an exercise where half of our class had to stand to form an inner circle with the other half of the group standing outside of us forming an outer circle. The idea was to go from person to person and give each other compliments in order to close out the school year. I will tell you that I didn't have a dry eye during my conversations with my instructor and classmates during this exercise. It was so nice to be able to give compliments, reflect on the year and just express such gratitude for all we've learned from one another. But O-M-G! I was not expecting some of the things that my classmates and instructor said to me. Some of it is honestly a blur because I just felt so ovewhelmed (in the best way) by their words and expressions of gratitude for all I brought to the course, how much they learned from me, how my instructor had hoped I would join her class when she and I met during the information evening in June 2021, how my classmates appreciated me asking all of the questions I asked because they learned so much from it, how they see me as so resilient, strong and just so focused and such a go-getter and passionate about being a coach/counsellor and how much I love to help and support others. WOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!!! I was shocked. Why? Because these were some of the very things that I had felt quite insecure about in terms of my input in the class and just who I am and how I express myself as a person. In this moment, I felt like I could identify my ADHD as a superpower once again. That's certainly not to say that I don't struggle because of my diagnosis, but I am more and more clearly able to see the possitive aspects as well as the struggles in my everyday life. Instead of feeling like an outsider because of the ADHD, I feel more celebrated because of how it impacts who I am and what I bring to the world. I am so grateful for that. 

So I took the train home yesterday evening after having said, "see you later" to my classmates and instructor and just took the time on my journey to breathe, reflect and take in all that happened during the day. It was an exhausting day to say the very least, but it was exhausting and exhilarating in the best way. I think one big thing I learned yesterday is to just say it! Tell that person how you really feel about them, how much they impact your life, how grateful you are for them, how much you love and appreciate them. Why? Because you have no idea just how life-changing or even life-SAVING your words and affection might be for that person. We live in world that seems to be becoming darker and darker in a lot of ways, but I still truly believe in the infinite power of unconditional love. It may only be a smile to a stranger, helping your neighbor or reading your kiddos a bedtime story, but we have to realize just what a great impact these "small" acts of kindness have on people whom may have otherwise never crossed our radar. 

I know I have said it a few times in this post, but I cannot express enough just how grateful I am for who I am and where I am at in my life right now. I am learning more and more to be content in the present, even when it gets tough and crazy and unpleasureable at times. Look, this past year has probably been one of the most difficult years of my life, and I have honestly been through the muck and the mire before thinking those times were the worst. But yeah, I have also healed and grown and have learned so so much about myself, and it's been so powerful and simply life-altering for me. The greatest gift that I have learned to give myself this past year is that of self-love, patience, kindness, and compassion. I am learning more and more to celebrate myself, the phase of life that I am in, the whole aging process and how my body is changing, accepting the falling away of many who I held near and dear to my heart and still do, taking time to reconnect with my inner child, loving her and reparenting her which has been and continues to bring such deep deep healing to my soul...and so much more. I can now look at myself in the mirror with full confidence and confess to myself how much I love me, how beautiful and caring and kind I am, what a great mom and friend and daughter I am, how loving and creative and intelligent and passionate I am, how I light up a room when entering it, how gorgeous my imperfectly perfect body is, etc. You may be rolling your eyes while reading this, and that's okay. There was a time when I would've done the same, judging that person and thinking how conceited he/she/they is/are. But now? Nah. I would hope that, if you are doing the eye-rolling, that you would just try it. Just try to look in the mirror and speak these life-giving affirmational truths over yourself, and really mean it. Cuz yeah, they're all true. You're pretty flipping amazing, and I am too. So like, let's just live life, have fun, embrace who we truly are, and be effing awesome, okay? Okay, deal. I love you, I love me, and I love us. So there.