Clouds

Do you remember that scene from the movie, "Forrest Gump," when young Jenny says this prayer, "God, please make me a bird so I can fly far far far away from here"? Gosh, that has been me for most of my life. I remember these large trees right in front of my grandparents' house on the farm and how I used to be mesmorized by their size but also the amount of birds who called those trees home. They would swirl around, singing nonstop, and I just often imagined myself as one of them, having these wings and flying here, there and everywhere. I've always had a thing with nature. When I was a kid, the farm and surroundings were truly my playground. I used to run through the cornfields and see how lost I could get myself in them, I used to walk alongside the rugged country road pretending that I was like William Shatner and hosting the latest edition of "Unsolved Mysteries." Gosh, I really used to freak myself out sometimes with some of the wild and crazy places my imagination would take me. But nothing ever beat my fascination with clouds. 

As a self-professed tree hugger, I have always had a thing with trees. I have always loved to observe their make up, their movement, their singing and swaying with the wind. The name of my blog isn't what it is for no reason, of course. But the clouds definitely come in a close second. Even tonight, I found myself sitting on the edge of my bed and looking out of the window at the evening sky full of pinks, purples, oranges and blues. The sky was speaking to me, even in my pain, and it was beautiful and lovely. I needed to have those moments of awe and wonder at the amazing sky that I consider to be the Universe's canvas. 

Todaywas a tough day. These last days and weeks have been a tough time though I have been getting by. I can't really put my finger on how I have been feeling other than this unsettling feeling of numbness when it comes to my emotions and maybe just life in general. I feel so out of tune with myself in a way, and it's weird and daunting. I don't like it. I am finding it incredibly challenging to meditate, to just sit with myself and be still and allow my intuition to whisper to me. Add to that this weird sensation in my body, especially my gut, and I just don't really know what's going on. I felt such a heaviness today. It didn't help that I had a client do a no-show for our session, I was stressing myself about another situation that had me hyperfocused (yay, ADHD), and I've been struggling to just believe in myself, especially in regards to my career. I did manage to get three loads of laundry done today though and a very tasty dinner prepared so I guess that's something. But after dinner, I couldn't do much more than just retreat to my room. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to do this, too, because this isn't often the case. 

I sat on my bed for a while and just stared at my phone. I looked out the window. I tried to pray, to meditate, to write, to just DO something, and I couldn't. Part of me wanted to cry as I so desperately was trying to pinpoint exactly what I was feeling, and I just couldn't swing it. This only made me feel worse. I have been struggling with thoughts about my worth. And because of these thoughts, I have often felt like I just want to escape reality and go hang out in the clouds for a while. (No, I am not at all implying any thoughts regarding self-harm whatsoever, just to be abundantly clear on that.) I found myself more so in "dreamer mode," thinking about what my ideal life would look like while simultaneously grieving all that I have lost once again. I asked myself this question: "Am I loveable?" My brain knows the answer, but I am honestly struggling with what my heart has to say regarding the matter. I had to think back to every romantic relationship, or any romantic anything for that matter, and I had this sort of "aha moment" like I am the common denominator in this scenario so I must be the "problem." Also, what's wrong with me that none of these relationships or situationships have ever worked out? Again, I know the answer in my head, but the intrusive thoughts are a real bitch. I fully acknowledge that I am totally at fault here. Of course, I take full responsibility for my part in the failure of any marriage or relationship that hasn't worked out, but I know that it takes two to either make or break a relationship. I have been working so hard these past years, with emphasis on the past year, doing the intense inner work to heal my trauma and move forward only to feel constantly punched in the gut for just wanting to love someone else and share life together. I don't need anyone to complete me, and that is surely not my goal, but I do have a desire to build a beautiful partnership with someone at some point. Oh yes, I know what you're probably thinking. "Jess, you're still legally married! How could you?! Jess, you need to still heal. etc..etc..etc... I do realize I am taking a huge risk by even sharing these thoughts, but this is also a part of who I am, and I have a strong desire to be fully transparant because I am so fucking tired of being told to sit in ithe midst of the shadows and play life as though I am not warranted an existence. Let me tell you something though. I have been separated for almost 4 years now, and this has been an excruciatingly painful time of healing and self-reflection. I still find myself beating myself up because I don't yet have my own place, no papers have yet been filed, and I am only in progress to building a sustainable income. It's all been steady, but it's also been slow. I am doing the best I can, and I do have three children to consider here. If I didn't have them in this scenario, I would've ended the marriage many years ago. 

So yeah, back to the worth thing. I guess I feel like I am often times just living in the clouds and wanting to experience some sort of "fairytale" when it comes to love. I am on a very intense and ever-present journey of self-love and self-acceptance, and it's honesty been a bitch and a handbasket. I don't know what I just said, and you're welcome. This past Monday, I made a decision on how I would spend my last day in Spain. I considered traveling up to Girona to explore for the day, but I was honest with myself about feeling completely and utterly exhausted, and so I just decided to make it a pool day. I read an entire book while sitting pool side in my really cute floral bikini, and it took everything in me to not put my tunic on so I could hide all of my bodily imperfections. I even told my mom on the phone during our call that I was currently overcoming my fear of judgment and rejection for how not-perfect I looked in a bikini and trying not to give two flying shits about it. Truth be told, I think more people stared at me perhaps for my septum piercing than for me being in a bikini, but who knows. It's irrelevant. I overcame a fear, and I am proud of myself and grateful for it, regardless of the thoughts of me ever being desirable in any regard because of my body, because of my situation, because of me having three kids, because of my trauma,...and the list goes on and on. Why can't I just flip the switch up in here? Why can't I consider that I am the "prize" so-to-speak, and it's an honor for someone else to have a piece of my heart, my attention and my time? Oh yeah, the love and worthiness thing. Damnit. 

I know that these writings may make zero sense to you, or maybe your belief system causes you to feel a certain type of way about what I am sharing. But I guess the question I am asking here is this: In what world or which reality can I be my true, authentic self? Who am I even? What do I want? Who do I want? What are the self-limiting beliefs that are blocking me from achieving all that I dream and desire? Yeah....I have more healing work to do. I know part of that is REALLY living out the belief that I only need me to be happy and content in life. No one no any thing can or will ever be able to complete me. I am already whole. There is a lot shifting at the moment. I can feel it energetically, and I am definitely sensitive to all of it. I know good things are happening, good things are coming, and I am and will always be okay. I just want to feel it, FEEL. ALL. OF. IT.  As much as I love "being in the clouds", I don't want to stay there nor do I want to fly away from my life as a means of escape. I have been working my ass off to build a life that I don't want to fun away from, and its been so so hard. I know I am my own worst critic, and I know I am especially hard on myself. I also know that my personal struggle with self-worth and this belief that I am nothing but a burden are the main reasons why I often shy away from asking for help or simply reaching out whenever I need support. I am the rescuer, the healer, the "savior", and so on. I am the tough one who has to figure it out on her own because it's been the survival mode I have known my entire life. So why in the hell would I ever feel worthy enough to have someone's love, time or energy bestowed on my behalf? I mean, who even cares? I am the fixer, and everyone has their own shit going on in life anyway. Gah. It's not like anyone understands me anyway, knows what I am feeling, comprehends the decontruction journey, the spiritual awakening, the trauma, etc. Oh my gawd, Imposter Symdrome, you're the biggest bitch ever. Blah. 

I wish I had something witty to say right now, but I am exhausted so I don't. I will tell you that I burn sage incense on a regular basis to help ward off stupid people. I will keep you posted in regards to its effectiveness. Oh, and I stayed in my workout clothes all day. I didn't put make up on today. Despite all of these wild thoughts, I did learn to sit with myself a bit today and love myself and where I'm at some more today...so that's progess. Healing is almost never linear. Sometimes you've gotta take some steps back in order to be thrust forward. So cheers to messy healing, and cheers to my bed. Goodnight I am headed for the clouds.