I'm Alive, I Promise

 It's been a long time coming. Returning to "the spotlight" in a sense and sharing parts of my journey with you all after having gone on a deliberate hiatus feels...well...a bit strange, if I am being completely honest with myself. If I was to go back and read some of my older posts right now, I honestly don't think I would recognize much of that woman from "before." Before what, you ask? Well, let's just say that I took these past several months to go inward, to take the time to purposely search within myself and try to make sense of my life, my journey, the season I have been in and frankly just try to understand me. 

Now I am sure you're wondering what I've been up to all of this time that I have been silent. I suppose I will share a few things with you, but honestly I have to admit that I have enjoyed the peace and quiet, having very limited access to social media and just focusing on the everyday life that's in front of me when I get out of bed each morning and ponder every night as I lay down to go to sleep. I haven't been bored, I can tell you that much! I have actually been extremely busy, and it's been amazing. I am deeply grateful for everything that I have had the opportunity to walk through during this time. Now where to begin...

Well, I guess I should probably start with the obvious. I turned 40 last summer, did some traveling to Germany and Italy, had some epiphanies, returned home and went into silent mode. It was bliss. The cocoon stage of this journey has been wonderful and yet painful and terribly confrontational all at the same time, and I wouldn't have wanted to experience it any other way because it's brought me so much joy and healing in the process. I made a conscious decision after I came home from Naples to focus on three things: my children, my study, and myself. My oldest son started his last year of primary school, my daughter 4th grade, and my youngest son his second year of kindergarten. Sports and other activities started up again in full force, and I found myself biking someone somewhere pretty much on a daily basis. Full mom mode was (and still is) activated. My daughter and I had the privilege of seeing the Aladdin musical in the Hague last fall, including an overnight in a fancy hotel, eating yummy food and lots of shopping. A true girls' weekend. It was a lot of fun, and I am thankful that I was able to connect with my favorite girl on a deeper level. I also did some adventuring with my oldest son to cities we hadn't visited yet, which also included some history and learning more about the whole gothic movement at this cool museum in Den Bosch. I thoroughly enjoyed this time with him, and I am looking forward to more of these types of adventures sometime this summer. I spent time giggling with my youngest son, watching him transform from my sweet little baby to this big boy, and it's honestly going way too fast and makes this mama wanna cry some days. He is such a sweet and smart little stinker, and has already started reading books at age 5. Like...what?! So proud of these three. 

In October, I added another role to my already busy life that I hadn't assumed in almost 20 years so I guess it was time. I became a student again! I started my study for coaching and counselling, and it's honestly been life changing for me. I have absolutely loved the classes, the material, and especially my instructor and classmates. I look forward to every class, applying the methods and skills that we've learned about and just growing and learning as a person and mental health professional. This journey has been eye-opening, and I am yet again so grateful for the opportunity to be able to go back to school and give my career path a swift kickstart. It's cute to see how my kids respond to me when they observe me doing homework, hear me on the phone scheduling a session with a client, etc. It boggles their innocent minds a bit that their mother is having to complete homework assignments just like they do. They're too sweet. So what are my plans with all of this? Well, I will surely reveal more in the coming weeks and months, but I can promise you that I am embarking on some very exciting adventures in this part of my life, and I am beyond excited to be able to share more with you all when the timing is right. 

I guess the most prominent thing that I have been experiencing during this time of isolation has been coming back to myself. You know that age old question of, "Who am I?" Yeah, that one. Gotta love it, right? Well, I am happy to tell you that I am learning more and more each day how to answer this question boldly and confidently while staring myself in the mirror and smiling without hesitation or regret. I have grown to love and accept myself and all of my flaws, unconditionally. I have learned that certain relationships are only meant for a season, and that's perfectly okay. I have learned that embracing my shadow side, though scary and intimidating at times, is actually a sign of strength, growth and inner healing. I have learned to believe that I am okay, wonderful, loved and worthy just the way I am in each and every moment. I have learned that unconditional love really is the answer to every question, and I am still learning how to apply this to every situation in my daily life. It's not easy, but I know my heart and intentions are in the right place. That's all that matters. I have learned the importance of becoming still and trusting that God is who he/she/they/it says he/she/they/it is/are/is. I am learning to trust myself more and more, set healthy boundaries and be sure of what and who I want in my life without hesitation. I have found my voice, my purpose and quite frankly...myself. 

It's pretty crazy for me to look back on even last year where I was. Sure, there were moments when I felt like I had it all together, but honestly I was dying inside more often than I'd like to admit. I went through some pretty intense dark night of the soul moments, a profound spiritual awakening and some messy, raw, deep healing along the way. But I am happy to say that I have never been more sure of who I am in my life. I have never been more authentic or genuine in my life despite the fact that I still have moments of feeling insecure and/or uncertain in various situations that I come across on the journey. I have happily stopped looking to others to love me, accept me or fulfill me in some way with whatever forms of external validation that I thought I needed from them, and I started looking straight at myself and falling in love with myself for the first time in my 40 years of existence on this planet in this body. Maybe that whole concept of "falling in love with yourself" sounds strange, awkward or even conceited to you. That's okay. It's what I thought as well for most of my life. However, it wasn't until I made the decision to really go inward and do the work at all costs that I discovered that everything I will ever need and desire is already within me, including and especially love. It's been a game changer for which I am utterly grateful. 

I suppose I will leave things here for now. I know I will be back again quite soon to express more of my thoughts and speak more of my truth because I know that my journey and experiences can help unlock that fire in others to take that bold step to inward transparency that will lead to everlasting tranformation. How beautiful is that? So in the meantime, you will find this girl nerding out with the piles of mental health and spirituality books pleading to be read, having impromtu dance parties with the kids, working on various creative endeavors and much much more. Until then, I'm sending you so much love and lots of hugs.

Stay true to you.

Love,

Jess