I was in the bus this morning on my way to the chiropractor, and I was listening to some music on my phone and just meditating on life. Something you must know about me is that I often get random, sporadic, and yet powerful thoughts during the weirdest times. These profound thoughts and often times words of encouragement and motivation come while I'm standing under the shower, sitting in the bus, folding laundry, or even when I am in the midst of other people and do what I normally do and drift away into my head. So as I was listening to this one song, these beautiful words came to me: "This is your break OUT and break THROUGH season." Now, I believe in God and the power of the Universe, and I believe that God and the Universe (or whoever or whatever you want to call Him/Her/Them/It) speaks to us as humanity as a whole but also on an individual basis. I consider myelf a very spiritual person still even after I left Christianity behind in 2019. So when those words came to me, I knew in my heart of hearts that it was God breathing that life and hope into my being. After having heard those words, I jotted them down in the Notes app on my phone and then realized what today is. It's July 1st. I decided to then look at my email because I get a daily "word of the day" by this one Christian guy who I still sort of follow. These prophetic one-liners (like mini downloads from God) still bring me encouragement and are often so on point with whatever I am dealing with on any particular day. So I get into that email, and the word of the day says, "It's time to celebrate as you have crossed into a new season!" Woah. It's like he's been reading my mind. I can't even begin to tell you how relevant all of this is to me and where I am at in my life right now. My heart burst with joy as I tried to compose myself a bit on the bus, despite the quite large and probably awkward smile on my face.
After I this, I grabbed a drink and snack by the little grocery store at the station because I hadn't had breakfast yet and then headed into my chiropractor appointment. I go to a man named Raymond. He's a pretty cool, relaxed and just happy guy, and I really enjoy chatting with him while he's literally causing me bodily pain with all of the crushes and cracks and twists that chiropractors do. He asked me how I was doing, and I shared that the past weeks have been a bit crazy, but I am doing alright. He knew by the tightness in my back that I've been under some stress for quite some time. Chiropractors apparently just know these things as the body says it all so I didn't even have to. Haha. We chatted a bit, and I shared about some new happenings in my life, we discussed vacation plans for the summer, etc. After the session, he enthusiastically tells me that today was a very good treatment, and he was able to release everything. Total and full release. Ahhhh....exhale...finally. I walked out of there feeling lighter and just more peaceful because I knew the significance of those words and how they have deeper meaning for my life at this time than just the physical release.
I should probably back up a bit though. There has been quite some stuff happening in and around me prior to these special moments that took place this morning. Life has continued to be quite a whirlwind of just uncertainty, busyness, lots of unknowns, and constantly looking inward for self-reflection. Luckily, I was able to get away last weekend, spend some time with friends, and I also got to dip my feet into the sea and have some deep healing moments at the beach. It was a good, inspirational and profound time for which I am grateful. However, there has also been some moments of heaviness in the mix. On my journey home from the beach, I felt "off." A lot of it was sparked by intense conversation with someone about everyday life things, and I just was frustated that it seemed my zen moment was coming to a hault as I re-entered back into reality. When I finally arrived home, I decided that I needed to get out and get some fresh air to burn off these tense emotions that were starting to erupt in me. I know I became a bit overstimulated, too, so that was a sign for me to administer some self-care at that moment so I could breathe a bit more easily and return back to my "normal" again. I got into the shed, grabbed my bike, and off I went. I biked and biked and biked. I went all over the neighborhood and at times rushed around like a mad woman, even surpassing some of the high school kids. That alone made me feel empowered as all of those hours on the rowing machine are finally paying off. Ha! After around 30 to 40 minutes and with a back full of sweat due to my power cycling and humid air, I returned home. I was...exhausted. I hadn't slept a wink the night before so I knew this was becoming a case of crash and burn. I went up to my bedroom, shut the door, and dove into my bed. It. Was. Glorious...well, until it wasn't.
That evening, I started feeling a bit off again. I decided to go to bed on time, and as usual put on this healing sleep meditative playlist on Spotify that I always sleep to. I drifted away peacefully until I woke up in this puddle of sweat with some heavy breathing. I had just experienced a nightmare, but I honestly had and have no recollection of what it was about. All I remember is that the notes playing on the particular song on my phone corresponded with the beats and vibrations of what I experienced in my bad dream. So I quickly turned that off, sat up and just took a moment to catch my breath. Poof! There it was. One of those beautful aha moments entering into my mind. This thought came to mind to play this song called, "Fly," by a man named Jason Upton. Jason is a singer/songwriter/worship leader who is well-known within the evangelical Christian community, and I had listened to his music for many years and was always greatly encouraged by it. I stopped listening to his stuff for a while after I began my deconstruction process so playing any of this type of stuff was kind of a big step for me, but I was going for it. I was all in. So I put on the song, laid back down and fell asleep.
When I woke up in the am, I felt more rested and just more at peace than I had been the day before. I decided to listen to the song again and just meditate on the words being said. Below are the lyrics:
"Fly" by Jason Upton
https://youtu.be/zHRWo-TrjXQ
Going up to new atmospheres
Going up to new places
Going up to new atmospheres
Gotta have new ears... new ears
Heavenly places (Repeat 2)
Heavenly,
Heavenly places (Repeat 3)
Heavenly,
Heavenly places
New revelation (Repeat 2)
What are you doing
Where are you going
You're gonna give
Some of you've been fighting for a very long time
Some of you've been fighting that ground warfare for a very long time
Sticking out your fists and fighting
God wants to take us to new places (repeat 6)
New revelation (2)
New perspective (2)
Ariel View (4)
I declare over you
God has given you the air
God has given you the air so fly
It's time to spread out your wings
It's time to shake off the things that hold you down
It's time to spread out your wings and fly
Just fly... fly (hold)
Do you see what I see
Do you hear what I hear
Do you know what I know
Do you want what I want
Fly... fly... fly...
Do you see what I see
Do you hear what I hear
Do you know what I know
Fly (Repeat 7)
Just fly (Repeat 2)
Fly (hold)
I have given you wings
I have set you free from the things that held you
I have given you wings
I have set you free so come to me
Fly (hold)
Nothing's gonna hold me back
Nothing's gonna hold me back
Like a bird in the air you have escaped the snare
Like a bird in the air you've escaped the snare of the enemy
You have been set free (Repeat 4)
Nothing can ever hold you
Fly...
What I should tell you about this song is that it's very spontaneous and kind of like "prophetic" in the sense that Jason and his band were praying and playing and just moving along to how they felt God's Spirit was leading them. There have also been claims of angelic activity occurring during this song, but hey...I have no idea, and I am no one to judge another's spiritual experience. Anyway, as I listened, several words and phrases popped out at me. Soaring, ascending, new atmopheres, going to new places, spreading my wings, flying, escaping the snare of the enemy, being set free...and more. I really felt such a calming presence come over me as I meditated to the song. Suddenly, I was reminded of a picture/vision I had during a meditation time not too long ago. I have this app on my phone called, "Meditation Moments," and there is this one 21-minute meditation about coming from a place of love. There is a part during this meditation where the man stops talking and just gives you like 5 to 7 minutes to just let go of your thoughts and focus inward on your heart. It's always during this time that I have these powerful visions, which are almost like mini movie scenes, that come to me. They're so real and beautiful and revelative to me, and it's just so cool to be able to let go and see what's really happening inside of my heart during these precious moments. So back to the one vision/picture. I won't go into too many details other than to say that whenever people or circumstances pushed me away, I never went backwards. Nope, it was so cool because I ascended upwards. This was and continues to be so encouraging to me because I have definitely felt the pushbacks of life as of late, but I have also been learning for a while now that it's up to me how I respond to these very matters.
I saw myself with this beautiful white sundress on and I was just up, up and away! I was up in the air, flying, soaring, smiling with confidence, and just at peace. I was living my life, pressing onwards and upwards, soaring, flying, chasing my dreams, and not allowing any one person, thing, or circumstance to hold me back from all that I know God/Universe has in store for my life. How freaking cool is that?! Talk about a sense of empowerment. It was so good, and I still get chills whenever I think about it. I was so joyful and at peace that I felt compelled to pass this encouragement onto others. So as I started messaging one of my good friends about what had happened. She just so happened to be messaging me at that very moment because she couldn't sleep. She lives in the states so my morning was in the middle of the night for her. So I called her, we chatted, I shared, and she was so encouraged! She's the same friend who tells me every single time we talk just how brave I am. I cry every damn time she says it, and I think she knows it too. Haha! We talked for a bit, we shared our hearts with one another, and then she went back to sleep. I got back from bringing the kids to school, drank my protein shake, grabbed my water bottle and headed upstairs to crush it on the rowing machine. In the meantime, another friend came to mind with whom I felt this was relevant to so I called her. She had happened to message me anyway so it was again divine timing. She was so moved by it, and I was just overwhelmed with gratitude. I later spoke to another couple of friends throughout the day and shared some of this with them, and they were also encouraged by it all. My heart was so full because I know that whenever I get this type of "revelation", if you will, it's almost never JUST for me. I believe it's almost always something that is relevant to others at that particular moment so that's why I shared with my friends, and it's also the reason why I am sharing with you now.
I was so excited about this whole thing that I couldn't stop thinking about it throughout the day. I played that song several times over and over, and each time brought renewed hope, joy, and peace to my heart. I also remembered my tattoo as I reflected back on a time two years ago when I was in Barcelona alone for a midweek for my birthday. I spontaneously decided to get this tattoo on my birthday, and it was honestly so relevant to me during that time in my life, and I will say that this has remained ever since. I actually happened to find this piece of paper with the sketch of my tattoo in my wallet recently and decided to take a picture of it because I knew it is also meaningful for this season of my life.
So while listening to the song, I took this piece of paper out again and began to comtemplate what this word, "free," even means for me right now at this present moment. I know I am entering a new season, and this has been confirmed to me today. I believe and embrace the notion of me soaring, ascending, flying, and that nothing can or will hold me back....nothing or no one except perhaps myself. I realize that I have been set free from the snares of "the enemy", which to me includes mainly my thoughts and all of the lies I believe about myself, regardless of the source. My heart is to telling me to focus inward right now. I have been and continue to be on this journey where I am learning self-love and self-worth, and it's honestly been the most difficult rollercoaster ride ever. I am learning to believe that I actually matter and that there are actually people out there who give a damn about me, regardless of whether or not I have a hard time believing it...which happens a lot. I love the symbolism of my tattoo. It's like I knew it then and know it now that I am like that bird who is free to spread my wings and fly, and that nothing....NOT A DAMN THING (person, circumstance, etc)...can or will ever hold me back from doing just that. This is a time for releasing all of the heaviness, the burdens, and anything else that has absolutely no place in my life. I am free! I AM FREE!
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