Crossing the Line

You're probably thinking, "Jess, you literally just posted a new blog late last night. Why another one already?!"  Well, listen. Haha. I guess I have a lot to say lately. Not that this is something new for those of you who know me personally, but there are just some cool and exciting things happening in my life that I feel sharing with all of you. 

I have been on a journey for quite some time. I am sure you've gathered that from reading anything on this site so yeah. There have been and continue to be some bumps in the road, but I am just amazed at how each and every one of them has turned into a blessing that has propelled me further along. Lots of tears have been shed, both of joy and sorrow, healing and peace. It's been a good season these past months, and I am really excited about the season I am entering into. I will be turning the big 4-0 next month. Oh my gawd. I remember back when my mother turned 40. We celebrated her big day at my uncle's house, and the whole clan got together for cake and ice cream. Mom was adorned with old lady glasses, a cane, a shawl and some other goodies to remind her that she was officially now "over the hill" as we call it in the states. That was 20 years ago. Yes, my parents are only 20 years older than me. And yes...many people have often mistaken my mother as my older sister, and I have rolled my eyes many a times because of it. Moving on. 

For whatever reason, turning 40 has always carried some sort of significance for me in my life. I have been looking forward to this transition into a new decade for a few years now with hope and anticipation of the many joys, blessings and lessons to come. I will say, however, that I am glad most people tell me they're shocked when I share my age with them. I guess the hair dye and face cream are both working their charm to my benefit. At any rate, turning 40 has caused me to really sit back and contemplate my life. I mean, I had technically halfway to returning to the dust, as some may say. Who am I? What have I accomplished? How do I want to be known and/or remembered for this latter half of my life? All kinds of deep questions that may some of you rolling your eyes, and that's okay with me. Not everyone is as pensive as I am when it comes to these matters in life. But for me, they've become a more common theme. I have taken a whole lot of time to ponder, reflect, journal, dream, pray and honestly just breathe. It's been so good, and I have to say that I have learned a thing or two about myself. Some things have been comforting while others confrontational. Both are equally necessary and important in order to grow, mature, and continue to evolve into the best version of ourselves. 

As I have stated here many times, I have ADHD. It's got a few perks but also a whole lot of annoying attrubutes. I do my best to focus as much as I can on the perks that come with such a diagnosis. But yeah, life throws curveballs at ya, and then you're reminded yet again of your weirdness so there's that. I am in process of learning how to embrace it all...the good, the bad, and the ugly parts. I love how I can hyperfocus on something I am passionate about, get a shit ton done, and end a session feeling accomplished and inspired. I love how I am just freaking weird. Correction: I am learning to love my weirdness. It's always been there, and I have known it since I was like 6 years old. I can be socially awkward, and I know it. It's part of who I am. I can talk a lot, be extremely detail-oriented, which in turn can cause my actually storytelling time to last 3 times longer than it could have or should have. Oh well. It helps to stimulate one's vivid imagination so you're welcome. But then there is the anxiety, the occasional panic attacks, the feeling that my head is going to explode at times because I become overstimulated by all of the stimuli around me at any given moment. Add to this the fact that I am an empath and have the whole HSP (highly sensitive person) thing going on, and well...you probably get where I'm going with this. So here is my brain which has the ADHD vibe, which triggers the anxiety, which triggers feelings of feeling overwhelmed, which also trigger my nerve endings to be assholes and scream, "FIBRO PAIN, INCOMING!" It is what it is. I have learned over the years to roll with the punches, no matter how big or small the hand is that's punching me at any given moment. I have survived AND overcome every single day up until now for almost 40 years so I am pretty sure I will be just fine. Bad days are inevitable, and it's how we respond to them that determines what happens in us. This is a lesson that's still in its development stages in my life so I am no expert. I just share what I know as of right now. 

So...I have two professionals who are helping to supoprt me through all of this messy chaos in my life that I just mentioned above. I have a psychologist who gave me my ADHD diagnosis back in March. She and I had a zoom meeting yesterday on Monday morning to discuss how to proceed further, and we decided to focus mainly on the ADHD stuff and how to navigate that on a daily basis that will be of benefit not only to me but also to those around me. We will have another zoom call in a couple of weeks, and she gave me homework in the meantime. Grrreeaaattt. Giving homework to an ADHD'er? Fantastic. I have to prepare a summary of the areas I struggle as far as my ADHD is concerned. I mean, I just told you some of these things, but there are more. I am learning more and more about myself and this diagnosis everyday. I am so thankful for some of the online communities out there as well as some of my friends who also have it and have been able to shed some light and give insight. It's been good and extremely helpful knowing I am not alone in this. So I will sit down soon and write the damn thing, and it'll probably be at like 10 pm the night before because I always forget every damn thing and tend to procrastinate because apparently I like living on the edge or some shit. 

Anyway, last week I started seeing my new therapist/coach. She is such a sweet woman, and I had been eyeing her practice for several months actually and just recently decided to take the plunge. I am so glad I did. I'll call her "J."  J is a holisitic therapist and coach who specializes in fibromyalgia as well as trauma therapy. She uses all sorts of techniques to help bring healing and relief to people like myself who have to deal with this stuff on a daily basis. Last week, we had the intake. It was a great conversation with lots of questions that I had to answer and basically explain about myself, what my issues are and tell her why the hell I'm there. After all of that, she took me to another room where she gave me this special massage. It was really nice, necessary and unique as she used various techniques that I hadn't experienced prior. She told me to pay attention to my body and really become in tune to what it's communicating to me the next few days until our next appointment. I did that. MY body flippin' hurt, dude! Like for DAYS. I bit through it all and managed to still work out, get stuff done around the house, keep children alive, and so on. But I would be lying if I didn't tell ya how badly I wanted to just sleep most of the time. Sometimes ya gotta sacrifice a little to get to the good stuff. 

Yesterday, I returned to J for my second appointment. I should probably mention that I have been doing this writing therapy course with her for the past few days called Mindful Analysis. Luckily, I have been able to write in English because then I am able to fully express myself. If I had to try to do it all in Dutch..hell naw. I would become so exhausted just being so focused on the grammar and spelling of everything even though I know I can do it just fine. I guess there is just something about sharing your heart and soul in your mother tongue that comes more naturally. So, I have been sending J novels to her email, and she's been using Google Translate to try and piece together what the hell I'm even talking about. To her credit, she does speak and understand English but it's not perfect. She wanted to make sure she was fully following my story. In response to my novels, J writes me back some questions that I need to reflect upon and answer. What the shit. Some of these questions have been super challenging to the point that I have had to read them and just let them sit for hours or even overnight before being able to sit down, gather my thoughts and try to figure out what I have to say about it all. It's been so good and therapeutic for me though. I love writing so this just comes naturally to me, but being challenged in my writing is more next level. Game on. Anyway, we had a really good hour-long chat about some of the things I wrote about. She asked me some stuff about my family, childhood, and worked with me to connect some dots from that good old childhood trauma stuff to present day. Fun times. Lots of aha moments have resulted from both the writing as well as the session yesterday. It was all wonderful, but the best part was the last half hour. 

During the therapy session, I got all kinds of confronted with myself as to how I give give give and focus on others. I am like...umm yeah. This is second nature to me as I have been doing this my whole life. I have felt like it was a responsibility but also maybe a means to fulfill that longing of wanting to be seen, heard, and understood. Oof. Bingo. There it is. Ouch. I do realize this has been more with my family perhaps, but nonetheless is still there and still a thing. I love people. I love to give to people. I love to see the gold in people. I hate focusing on one's struggles, demons, flaws, etc. I just see people for who they are, and I guess a part of me hopes that people will return me the favor. So much for that wishful thinking, right? So where do healthy boundaries come into play? Where does Jess fit and where do all of Jess's wants, needs, dreams, goals and desires fit into the scenario? Good question. So J gave me two options yesterday: I can either have another massage, or we can do a life-building exercise. I chose for the exercise. It was really more of a meditative thing. I love meditation and do that as well as pray everyday so it's something I am used to and comfortable with. J asked me so sit a certain way in my chair, to close my eyes and focus on my breathing. She had me then turn focus to parts throughout my body from my toes all the way up to my head and down to my chest. I became so relaxed and just felt more secure sitting in my chair, feet sturdily on the ground. She then asked me some questions, and I started to weep. Suddenly, I had this really powerful vision that is freaking life-changing. No, I am no exaggerating. I know this vision will change my life as I live it out each and every day. I will share it below. 

One of the main themes in all of what I've written above is that it's MY time. It's time for me to let go, focus inward and administer some self-love and care. It's time to stop allowing myself to be a doormat and just let life float on by while I am just existing. Nah, bruh. Those days are over. I did express to J during our session yesterday that this does feel intimidating though. It's so different than I have been used to my entire life. I even had this picture of me and this thick, white line on the pavement in front of me. On the other side of that line was that "new" Jess who was dying to come out of that cave and come alive, if only she would take the brave step and cross over into it. This is the exact process I am now in. Wow. Oof, again. I know I am already well on my way, and I still have a ways to go. This is honestly a lifelong journey so I am going to exhibit some love, grace and patience with myself because I know I am not going to always get it right the first time around. But hey, some cool things are happening! I have the support I need. My kids are happy and healthy. My dream of becoming a published author is nearer in sight! After months of a writers block, it all hit me last Friday after a time of meditation. I just grabbed the Macbook and started writing and writing, and now I have been writing ever since. I have the whole layout started as well as summaries of the stories I will be sharing. I can't wait for you to read it once it's finished. Oh, and I started writing songs again. I ordered some piano key stickers in order to get back on my keyboard and refresh my knowledge so I can move forward musically. I have also contacted my old music school in order to start singing lessons in the fall. I got accepted to a school for coaching and counseling and will be starting that in a couple of months as well. Oh, and I have decided that I am going to either join kickboxing or order the boxing bag to add to my home gym collection. J suggested doing something like this in order to let go of any frustrations and/or overstimulation in a healthy and productive way. So yeah, I am working on me, doing my thing, getting my shit in order and learning to focus on and love and accept myself for who I am and where I'm at. Consider that line crossed, baby. I have crossed over. 

Today, I met with my therapist/coach, "J."  We did a meditative exercise. I had to close my eyes and do some breathing. She then had me focus on various parts of my body starting with each of my feet and then all the way up to my head and down to my chest. It was as if she was trying to get me grounded again, and it felt good. I can't remember what exactly she asked me, if anything, or how it came about, but I had a vision during this exercise. I saw myself in this beautiful room in a beautiful tower in this majestic castle. I was in this room, and all kinds of people were in there. They were yelling and noise and constantly were trying to get my attention. It was utter chaos. At a certain moment, I decided that enough was enough and yelled" GET OUT NOW!"  I then slammed the door as hard as I could. That was the first moment I felt peace and could focus on myself. I then noticed this beautiful long mirror. I started to look at myself in the mirror and saw such beauty. I had this beautiful dress on and this gorgeous, shiny jeweled crown on my head. I kept seeing the Disney character, Rapunzel. I couldn't help but think of her story of how her own "mother" held her captive in this tower for a long time until she had enough and finally broke free. It was finally then that she realized her worth and found that inner warrior that had been there all along. I looked at myself in the mirror and wept. I looked around the room and saw all of these beautiful linens, clothing and jewelry, and they were all for me. I saw how beautifully the room was decorated, and it just caused me to be in awe that this was all for me. So I returned to looking into the mirror at my reflection. I spoke words of affirmation over myself, and my reflection did the same. I began to realize that I am worth all of this. I realized that this is my moment now, and I do not feel that I have to just give give give to everyone all of the time. It is now my time to look inward and give to myself. I began to let go of all of these people's expectations of me to live, be, act or do things a certain way. I am myself. I stand strong in my shoes to be who I am, and I refuse to continue to apologize for it. I remember saying that this is my moment now. I am focusing inward and learning to love and accept myself, even if that means standing alone. I also reflected on knowing that the right people will support me on my journey and not just want to be in relationship with me so they can get something out of me. The ones who need to fall away will, and those are meant to be with me will remain. I am learning to love and accept myself for who I am and not only what I can give or do. I do not owe anyone anything. I have been giving of myself to others for all of my life, and now it is time to look inward and focus on me and what I need and want for my life. I also said that I am proud of myself because I have already been on this path for a while, but I am going deeper along this journey of self-discovery. I know that I am also a little bit of a "rebel" because my family and others have always put certain expectations on me of how to act, how to be, what to study, where to live, etc. I have broken away from a lot of that many years ago, and I am now continuing this process in deeper layers with others in my life to whom this may apply. I am my own person. IK MAG ER ZIJN! I am who I am, and I refuse to apologize for it. This is MY time. This is MY time.