Questions

 It's such a beautiful morning with clear blue skies and the sun shining down on me as I sit in my garden and contemplate all of the things. I feel like my brain has been and continues to be this chaotic whirlwind of thoughts, and I am constantly trying to make sense of it all. This has been a common theme in my life as of late, and it's good but also somewhat annoying. 

I had a deep conversation last night with someone dear to me regarding faith. We had had a previous chat about it a few days prior, and it left me with more questions than answers. That's surely not a bad thing, and it has stimulated me to continue the thought process of what I know or perhaps what I think I know about my relationship with faith, God, the Universe, or whatever/whoever is out there. This person commented that they have seen some major growth in me regarding my faith journey, and this left me puzzled. Why? Well, I guess I hadn't considered this journey one of growth or regression, and I know that wasn't or isn't their point. It was definitely more an encouragement in terms of my path of deconstruction and maybe reconstruction, if you will. Still, I needed some time to process where I am at, what I actually believe as well as why I believe what I currently do. The short answer for me is that there are no simple answers. I am exploring different beliefs and faiths and am also just kind of letting things go in order to see what comes along my path. It's good and weird and uncomfortable, and that's okay. I am learning to embrace it all.

I have been struggling for the past few months in terms of what I want to be whenever I grow the hell up. I have choices, probably too many, and this feels like it's no good for my multipotentialite, ADHD, creative, wanting-to-conquer-the-world brain, but I manage...somehow. I think I had mentioned in a previous post about possibly going back to school this fall to study to become an English teacher. That is still on the table, but there are doubts and perhaps some insecurities there as well. I also have this crazy passion for mental health, building community, and empowering others and would love nothing more than to get paid to do these very things. I have no idea in what capacity I can make this all happen, but I have been studying, exploring, and asking questions. As I was sitting in the garden earlier with my cup of tea, I thought about the prospect of pursuing both and what that would look like. It was at that moment that I sort of had an "aha" moment. For those of you who don't know, I am a writer. Well, I love writing and have decided to call myself a writer in order to hold me accountable, keep me consistent, and to convnce/remind myself that I absolutely do have what it takes to be successful in this passion I have. It is my absolute dream to publish a book one day. So then I thought about how becoming an English teacher could stimulate me in the language as a whole and sort of keep me on my toes in my writing. But then I thought about my other passion of mental health, community and helping others. How do I incorporate that into my "plan?" Well, I have some ideas, but nothing is concrete. That is okay. I am learning that even taking baby steps in a certain direction that you want to go is still taking steps! So, it sounds clean cut and simple, right? Wrong. Because now I am considering the time commitments, my dreams, goals, what I want to do, how does this feasibly incorporate the kids' schedules, school, etc. You get the idea. But if you know me, you also know that I am an overthinker. So here I am, overthinking...again. Sigh. 

To make things even more complicated, I would have to say that I am in sort of a grieving process that is running parallel to my faith deconstruction journey. This was also part of that phone conversation last night regarding faith. I said how there are moments in my life like right now when I have all of these life questions and need direction and feel like I have no one or nothing to turn to for guidance. Before I left the evangelical Christian faith, I relied fully on God to look to me and with clanging cymbals from heaven yell down actually what I was supposed to do, when, how, where, etc. You get the picture. But now, it's just...different. Sure, I have my knowing. I always have. And maybe I am not sitting quietly in my closet enough and allowing my knowing to speak to me and guide me on this adventure. That could very well be it. But I also think there is this uneasy feeling of insecurity that I will make the wrong decision and forever fuck up my life or something. I know I am putting more pressure on myself to reinvent myself because I am turning 40 at the end of the summer. That shit alone does a lot with one's mind, with the whole midlife crisis thing and all. So yeah, I keep second guessing myself and my own intution to know what's best for my life and how to process forward. Oof. 

In the midst of all of these questions, however, one thing has become abundantly clear to me: I am in a major shift in my life. I am entering into a new season full of joy, love, peace, excitement, and so many other wonderful things. I am embracing freedom and abundance and running with it in full anticipation of all of the great things to come for my life. I am also learning more and more to enjoy the present, the simple things in life, my kids' laughter, the blessings of new friendships that I believe (and hope) will last for a lifetime, and so much more. So, even though life is uncertain and the questions are looming, I know I can say with full confidence that it's good, it's gonna get better, and I am just getting started. Let's do this.