Random Thoughts and Sappy, Wallowy Love Songs

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Today has been an "off" day. I don't know why. Well, maybe I do. I guess I don't know what to say or how to say it here. I am currently in bed listening to this sad love song playlist on Spotify and just reflecting on various things happening in my life at the moment. I did this yesterday as well. I actually had a really productive day yesterday, which is great. This same playlist even helped me pass the time while folding and putting away laundry. It was a stellar time, lemme tell ya. You should really try it. Haha. 

I just feel like my heart is so fragile and so tender lately. I don't even know what to do with myself and my thoughts. Writing helps, but I still feel a bit stuck right now. I am finding myself in certain situations that I don't want to be in, and I am finding it so hard to find my way out of them. To call these circumstances complicated is an understatement. Everything I dream of feels so far away. I just want to shed happy tears. I just want to feel safe. I want to be seen, heard and understood. See? I am completely consumed by my thoughts. I have a friend who has expressed being in a similar situation and feels that their soul is troubled. I think I can relate to that. I wish I had the answers that so many others claim they do. I am not hopeless, but sometimes I guess I lose sight of how good my future could be...or whatever. 

I dunno. My heart is weeping, and I just feel like wallowing tonight. I am just this sappy, awkward wallowy (yes, I make up words) human being who is afraid to open up her heart to things she knows may help her become alive for the first time in forever. Gah. 

So, I took a little break from writing to talk to a friend who helped give me some perspective, which I needed. Ugh. And now I just listened to the song, "Hey There, Delilah." This song is so nostalgic to me, and it brings me back to my youth hostel working days in Amsterdam many years ago. This song just does something to me every single time I listen to it. I just can't. I know I am being totally random right now, and I don't care. This is probably thee most chaotic shit show of a post you may ever read on my blog..(at least that's what I hope.) I am who I am, and I feel how I feel. I am currently deep in my emotions, and it's like I am trying to climb out of this well to freedom and yet I keep getting washed down each time and the bucket just seems to keep losing traction to take me to the top. Am I making any sense whatsoever? No? Okay. It's like 1:30 am, and I can't sleep so I write. And this is what I come up with. Sigh. I feel like the hot mess that I am, and I can't nor will I apologize for it. I just want clarity. I just want to know what I want to know or need to know so that I can know and run with it. My ADHD is seriously in full-activation mode. I don't even know. Transparency and vulnerability are totally my jam, but am I too much of both? Should I be a bit more mysterious instead of laying it all out on the table so that people can wonder? Will they stay interested and engaged? Good question. Should I care? Probably not. But damnit, that's hard. I thrive on relationship and connection with others. I also thrive on stimulating my creative soul in various ways. Hello, ambivert. 

Anyway, I currently feel exposed, and that's scary. (Yes, I know I overuse commas and also use them incorrectly. I'm working on it.) I'm legit scared. And fuck you, sappy love music. You do this to me, but I am in a mood so you help me through. Okay, I need to stop and actually get some rest. Maybe I shouldn't have shared any of this, but apparently I like living on the edge. I guess it's part of my journey to finally feeling safe. Because that's all I ever wanted. I just want to feel safe. Goodnight. 

Comments

  1. Sent.April 8, 2021 at 1:47 AM

    I love you! Good write. Embrace, girl. Just embrace... cause... what else do you want to do??

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. JessApril 11, 2021 at 5:29 PM

      I know....I am just trying to go with the flow like you said, but it's definitely easier said than done.

      Delete

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