Painfully Frustrated

I am sitting in bed right now and feeling super annoyed. I had my whole day planned out, and now it feels like it's been ruined...again. I decided last night to take a detox bath with epsom salts and essential oils. It put me into a peaceful daze, and I fell asleep like a baby. I am pretty sure I slept fine through the night, but I woke up feeling "off." I have no idea if the detox bath triggered something in my body, but it's not going away. 

I don't remember if I have mentioned it before on here, but I suffer from fibromyalgia. It's a chronic illness that affects your entire body and can really debilitate you for hours, days or even weeks at a time. It consists of things like (migraine) headaches, gut issues, massive pain in muscles and joints, a foggy brain, poor sleep and many other issues. Fibromyalgia is different for everyone so no person experiences the same symptoms all of the time. There are also flare ups that come out of nowhere and kick your ass, and you can't really do much about it. I was diagnosed with fibro back in 2013. I had been struggling for months at that point after having gone years of it being dormant. It wasn't until my daughter was around 3 months old that I began to experience symptoms again. I have had issues since I was around 11 or 12 years old that left me so sick and in so much pain on and off throughout my teenage years and my early 20's. I had to endure the worst of the worst tests and was even hospitalized on a few occasions due to this. Unfortunately, little was known about fibromyalgia at the time so it wasn't even on my doctor's radar to have me examined for it. 

For me, the whole spoon theory is important every single day. If you don't know the spoon theory, you should look it up because it's quite interesting and makes a lot of sense for those of us who suffer from chronic illess. Let's say I have 12 spoons for the day. Each activity I participate in costs me minimum of one spoon. Once my 12 spoons are used up, that's it. I need to stop and rest so I can recharge and earn back my spoons for the next day. If only life was that simple. Between having ADHD and three children to care for, this whole concept usually gets thrown to the wasteside on a daily basis. Sometimes I get this big charge of energy where I can zip through, clean my whole house, get groceries, meet with a friend for coffee, bike for an hour, and more. I get eager and excited that I can accomplish so much in order to make up for the days in which I can't. However, that almost always tends to bite me in the ass. Why? Because I overworked myself to the point of exhaustion and have had times where I have had to just lay in bed for days at a time in order to recover. Balancing tasks for me is extremely important. It's also doable, which is good. 

I honestly hate sharing the fact that I suffer from fibromyalgia. I've had various reactions when I do, and many of them have entailed people feeling sorry for me. I hate it. It's annoying and frustrating. I am not broken, and I don't need your pity. What I would ask for is your patience and understanding if I need to cancel plans, if I don't get back to you right away, if I can't always offer my help to you, etc. I want to do all of those things more than you know, but it's just not always possible. 

So back to today, I just tried working out for the third time and instantly became dizzy and lightheaded. I took some medication for my headache and have been drinking a crap ton of water in order to flush out my system. I feel like I have been beaten down, but I honestly don't care. I will get up again, and I will get that workout in. It'll be fine because I am fine. I am determind to get to a point where this illness doesn't feel like it's consuming my life. Where the medical community has failed me over the years, I have learned to step up and take matters into my own hands. I have researched alternative medicine, yoga, meditation, essential oils, and other more homeopathic practices to help me in my everyday life. I have explored diet and gut health as well and am working towards improving those areas so I can feel better and stronger everyday. 

What bothers me a lot is the fact that this diagnosis isn't really taken seriously by the medical community. I remember my neurologist years ago wrote in my medical record that it's either fibromyalgia or psychosomatic illness. I was then referred to the rheumatologist who examined me, had me have blood work done, and drew the conclusion that I indeed have fibromyalgia and it's not all in my head. After having spent years in and out of clinics, hospitals, and doctor's offices, it was a sigh of relief to finally be able to put a name to everything I had gone through up until that point. 

So yeah, I am resting now. I will work through my stubbornness, grit my teeth, and listen to my weary body that is telling me to rest. I hate it because I have a lot to do, but I can only do so much. I need to learn to be okay with that and not see myself as a weakling or a failure because of something that is completely out of my control despite the fact that I keep fighting for it not to affect my life. 

May 12th is Fibromyalgia Awareness Day. The color is purple, and the symbol is that of butterflies. I guess it's not for nothing that I have always loved butterflies and have always felt drawn to them. They're one of the species whom I find the most fascinating to photograph. Included in this post is a photo I took in 2013, and I still really love the image to this day. I hope you enjoy it too.