A Note to My Younger Self

-

It's Tuesday morning, and it's been snowing since yesterday. The kids returned to school today after a long Easter weekend. What does this mean? Jess time. Yay! *crowd erupts* Haha, just kidding. I zipped through my house and cleaned all of the things before starting my workout. While plugging away on the crosstrainer, I decided to check out a new (to me) podcast. I have been following this online writing community for women for a bit, and it's been wonderful and just so inspiring. It's called Women Who Roar. So I randonly found the podcast and thought it would be cool to give it a shot since I have been writing so much lately and have big dreams to becomes a published author someday. The title of this particular podcast is called, "Letters to My Younger Self." As I started listening to these women pouring out their heart and soul and sharing all of the amazing, powerful and painful things with the younger version of themselves, I felt my chest begin to tighten. This whole concept resonated with me so much as it is similar to a personal writing project I am working on over the past couple of months. I knew this was perhaps a call from the universe that I needed to stop being afraid and just get on with it already and just face myself and all of the things that I have been through and continue to go through in my life. But damnit! Facing the little girl in me just feels so cruel somehow because I just wish I could have screamed out to her to tell her I wish it all went differently, but also that it will all somehow be okay. So without further ado...here is a note to that little girl named Jessica...





Dear Jessica,

Well, you used to not mind being called Jessica or the Dutch "Yessika" even though you prefer being called Jess now due to the fear that was instilled into you every time your name was yelled. It was a fear that crippled you, that almost buried and a fear that sure as hell made you feel like you would never be good enough. Jessica, I am here to tell you that even though life has thrown you some really really large stones, you will get back up, you will brush yourself off, you will care for your own wounds, you will heal, and you will walk again as if nothing harmed you in the first place. I am here to tell you that it'll take you almost 40 years to even begin to understand the concept of loving yourself. You will go through some shitty relationships, including a painful divorce, horrific break ups, abuse, abandonment, and so much more, but you will become so resillient because you, dear child, are a queen. You are a fighter, a warrior, an overcomer, and you are worth it. You will go from looking in the mirror as a scrawny, skinny kid and wonder how you can get the pounds to come on so the kids at school won't shout "anorexic" to you anymore to looking yourself in the mirror and wondering when the kilos will come off. You will spend years questioning if it even matters that they do as you're also learning that your self-worth is not determined by a scale or a man's opinion of you. You will learn that you are a badass bitch who won't stand down when the going gets tough. You will challenges and look back at past ones with pride and gratefulness because, without them, you would never have had that chance to grow. You will grow and birth three beautiful children naturally and do it like a rockstar because you were born for this. They will have that same little spark in their eyes just like you did and still do. It's that one that allows you to know that you are smarter and wiser than you've ever been given credit for. Jessica, you will lose so much and gain so much more. You will often feel so unseen and unheard, but you will also continue to disocver that there are those who do have a genuine interest in your journey. You will break away from rigid systems that harrass you, intimidate you, imprison you and tear you down. You will win. You will become free. You will discover that you are a beautiful, radiant, creative, empathic and talented human being who has so much to offer the world and who is just getting started doing it. You will sometimes shrink back because of fear, anxiety, and depression, but you will also rise again knowing that it's just a moment. You will become so real, genuine, authentic and open with yourself that it will scare you at times. That's okay. You will be okay. You have what it takes. You were and are not a mistake. You can let the guilt of events and things that were out of your control completely go. It's time. You're worth it. I see you, I hear you, and I love you. 

Sincerely,

Me 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Whirlwind of Weeks

-
 It's been quite a time the past few weeks. It feels like such a whirlwind. I am happy it's officially March today because that means we're just a little closer to spring and hopefully also some restrictions being lifted. My kids had their February break last week, and it was good to have them home but also extremely exhausting. We had workers here to replace some roofing on the house, my husband and I both ended up sick and needing to get corona tests done (thankfully both were negative!), and the kids struggled at times to find stuff to do given the fact that we're still in lockdown. But...we survived!  They're all back to school and work today so now I feel like I can try to resume a bit of normalcy again (aka mop the floors and clean my bathrooms..haha!).  I am...in process. I feel like I am in process of so many things and in so many areas of my life. I find myself grasping to try and make sense of it all, but I feel like that's asking a lot on most days. I...
Read more

Here We Go...

-
 Glasses. Check. Laptop. Check. Cup of warm tea. Check. Verbal vomit. Double check. Here we go... Hi. My name is Jessica, but I hate being called Jessica. I prefer Jess because Jessica sounds catty and like someone is yelling at me for something that I most likely...did do. Sigh. Anyway, I am turning the big 4-0 this year, and I have very mixed feelings about it. So there's that. I am originally from upstate New York. I grew up on a dairy farm part-time and everything. I had cows named after my best friends and a brood of cats named after my Dutch relatives. Ha. However, this year will mark 15 years that I have lived in the Netherlands. I am married to a Dutchie, and I also come from Dutch blood as my paternal grandparents immigrated to the states in the early 1950's from good ol' Nederland. I also have Italian, German, French, and English blood in the mix with possibly other stuff too, but I am still sorting that all out. I have been meaning to do one of those DNA kit thin...
Read more

A Million Little Miracles

-
Miracles, signs, wonders. I have become accustomed to hearing these words throughout the years of my evangelical Christian journey, but these are terms that I had hidden away in the back of my mind when I left that faith back in January 2019. It wasn't until recently that these precious words would begin swirling again in my mind and heart.  It was a Monday morning while I was walking back home from dropping my second and youngest kids off at school. It's literally like a 2-minute walk from my doorstep to the schoolyard so it's more of a skip, hop and a jump, but you get the idea. I almost always follow the sidewalk that follows behind the back entrances of the gardens of my neighbors. While walking back, I was greeted by a neighbor of mine (we'll call her E) who was rustling around with her bicycle to prepare to go pick up groceries. This woman is probably in her 70's, and she and her husband are the sweetest people on the planet. My oldest son used to be in the sa...
Read more