A Whirlwind of Weeks

 It's been quite a time the past few weeks. It feels like such a whirlwind. I am happy it's officially March today because that means we're just a little closer to spring and hopefully also some restrictions being lifted. My kids had their February break last week, and it was good to have them home but also extremely exhausting. We had workers here to replace some roofing on the house, my husband and I both ended up sick and needing to get corona tests done (thankfully both were negative!), and the kids struggled at times to find stuff to do given the fact that we're still in lockdown. But...we survived!  They're all back to school and work today so now I feel like I can try to resume a bit of normalcy again (aka mop the floors and clean my bathrooms..haha!). 

I am...in process. I feel like I am in process of so many things and in so many areas of my life. I find myself grasping to try and make sense of it all, but I feel like that's asking a lot on most days. I have become more and more vocal in who I am, where I stand, and who I am becoming. I am learning to let go of old thought patterns, mindsets and anything else that has been hazardous to myself and/or to those around me. I've lost a lot of friendships and gained many more. I am learning more about my limits and making more attempts to look in the mirror and actually like or even LOVE what I see. I will be turning 40 this year, and I just can't seem to get my brain wrapped around that fact. I don't know if it's this midlife crisis thing, but I often struggle with thoughts and questions such as, "Have I arrived?", "Did I miss out?", and many more. I often feel like I missed out on so many years in life and secretly (well, not anymore) wish I could go back and have a bunch of redo's. I know that I am probably just placing high expectations on myself, but I feel like I don't know another way. Am I normal?  

The other day, I shared a post on social media about becoming a graduate regarding my deconstruction of the evangelical Christian faith. I no longer consider myself a Christian and haven't for about two years now. I know that this has shocked and grieved some, and I am okay with that. It's my journey, and I own it and embrace it as such. I am sure there are many praying for me to come back to the Lord or something, but I promise you that I am okay as who I am and where I am at on my journey. I still believe in God and still sometimes enjoy listening to Christian music, but that's about it. I am still even a member of the prayer group at my kids' school, even though I have fought with myself on numerous occasions about whether or not I should continue. I know this may sound all kinds of confusing and even crazy for many of you, but that's how it feels for me too. I am in process of figuring out what I believe and why I believe it. I have let so much go in hopes that I will gain so much more. I refuse to be told what to believe out of fear of condemnation and instead choose to use my voice, eyes, and ears so be a good listener, learner and to also speak up when it's appropriate to do so. I am not some lost soul and won't accept any labels saying such. I am a woman who is learning to become comfortable in her own skin, tearing down old and destructive foundations in order to rebuild strong and sturdy ones when it comes to faith and probably every other area of my life. I am pretty open about my journey too, so please don't hesitate to ask questions or want to discuss these matters with me. I think it's good and healthy to do so as long as there is mutual love and respect from both parties. 

Two weeks ago, I had an online appointment with a psychologist to do some assessments regarding a possible ADD/ADHD diagnosis. It was good, and it helped me to further understand myself a bit. I have a follow-up appointment with her tomorrow online to discuss these things further and to answer any questions and concerns I may have. I have no idea if I will get a diagnosis, and now I am kind of hesitant about it since there are negative implications when it comes to getting a Dutch drivers' license with a diagnosis such as ADD/ADHD, Autism, etc. I would be lying if I told you I wasn't anxious about the conversation tomorrow, but I also believe that I can do hard things (thank you, Glennon Doyle!). I don't know what if a diagnosis would be beneficial in other areas of my life, but I do know that knowing might give me some clarity and peace of mind when it comes to trying to understand myself and why I am how I am. I am no stranger to neurodiversity and have also become an advocate for it in recent years. I guess having a sibling with ADHD, a child who is autistic, and questioning my own neurological make up will do that to you. My eyes have been and continue to be open in new ways, and I am learning so so much. It's really wonderful what happens when you shut up and listen instead of listening just to have a comeback that supports your own perspective. Anyway...

In the midst of the chaos, I made some phone calls last week to inquire about the possibilities of returning back to school. Perhaps it's yet again a midlife crisis thing. I dunno. But hey, now all three kiddos are in school full-time so I just kinda wanna do something for me. I'd like to tell you that I've got time for it all too, but then I would be lying. Groceries, cleaning, dinner, laundry, homework, etc. It all sounds good until it doesn't so we shall see. I am looking into going back for a bachelors degree to become a high school English teacher. It's a 4 year program that I can do in both Dutch and English or entirely in English. I would have to attend classes one day a week, and the rest would be studying from home. The ladies I spoke to both warned me to go with this part-time gig instead of full-time because otherwise I will end up in classes with 16 and 17 year old kids. Dude, I am old enough to be their mom. That's a whole lotta nope for me. I am already struggling to embrace my old so we won't be having anymore of that nonsense. Haha! I am also considering doing more with English, but I am not sure yet what. The problem is that I find so many things interesting, and I want to use my creativity, my social work degree, touch lives, encourage and influence, be a dreamer, and so much more. Ya tired yet? I know I am. I tire myself out often because of myself. Good thing I am a work in progress. 

So there's that. I should probably go take a quick nap before kids come storming in the door begging for snacks and iPads. But the birds are singing, and this Monday isn't so bad.