A Ball of Emotions

-

 For some reason, I am feeling emotional today. I have no idea why.  Maybe it's hormones. I guess this type of thing happens to me when I am home alone and have to actually sit with myself. My brain really does go wild whenever it gets the chance to, and it's not always my favorite. 

I feel like so much has happened since the last time I wrote. Did I mention that I got diagnosed with ADHD? I am still waiting for the official report, but this is the conclusion that came from my online meeting with the psychologist. I honestly wasn't shocked, but it's been a whole thing for me to let it all sink in. I get to happily call myself a neurodivergent, and I think it's kinda cool. I can relate to my kiddo a whole lot more, and that's just the cherry on top for me. Since getting the official word, I have been able to connect with others who also have ADHD. It's really been wonderful hearing their stories and being able to relate so much. It's a great feeling to know that I am surely not alone in this. I have a whole world full of people who are similar to me and who are supportive and understanding so that's pretty great. 

I have been taking time lately to deepen my understanding and self-awareness regarding where I am currently at in my deconstruction process. It's been so painful and so good. Reflecting on where I was and where I am today is almost overwhelming. In a way, I feel like I have come alive for the first time in my life. I had become so sick of apologizing (or feeling like I had to apologize) for having the thoughts and opinions I have and simply just being myself! I don't even think it's been so much about God to me as much as it's been deconstructing the mindsets that I gave into regarding people's interpretations of God. I don't even know what I think about the Bible at the moment, and I am okay with that. I don't need to report to anyone nor do I have to have an answer regarding this whole scenario. It has to be and stay at my pace, or else I feel like it will only backfire and set me back even further along on my journey. 

My mind has also been spinning regarding future plans. We're looking to the possibility of selling our current house and moving or doing some major renovations here. It's complicated because my oldest son attends a special school and has only this year and next school year left of elementary school until he transitioned to the secondary school level. Because he attends a special school with a set budget for him, it would be a whole entire process to transfer him to another school right now. The most important thing right now is the fact that he is doing extremely well at his current school, and we do not want to take him out of it. If we stay in our current city, then it won't matter so much and he can stay at the current school. If we want to move to a new city, then we have to wait until another year or so before we can start the selling and buying process so we can move before he would have to switch to high school. Have I confused you yet? Yes? Good, because I often confuse myself more times per day than I'd like to admit. Haha. Anyway, the other option of doing renovations is just a whole thing that just feels overwhelming to me. All of the choices we have to make, the inconveniences of not having a bathroom for a few weeks or having dust all over your house for a couple of months. Yeah...ugh. BUT, at least we would be getting a gorgeous "new" house in return that we have customed to fit our style and taste. So there's that. Sigh. 

I am still comtemplating the whole English teacher thing too. I have people rooting me on to just buckle down and do it. I have some hesitancy, and I think I am concerned that I won't be able to handle it all. Juggling schooling, kids, a household, etc sounds like a lot...probably because it IS a lot! I struggle, too, with the worry of how my fibromyalgia body can keep up with all of these demands AND how I would be able to fit therapy into the mix as well. I feel like there is this clock that's ticking (no, not the biological one...I am good with that one dying), and it's constantly reminding me that my time is almost up. I know this isn't true, but I have to say that beginning anew with a career feels quite daunting when you're about to turn 40...aka over the hill. I also don't want to lose sight of my other dreams and goals that I have been putting off for a long time due to lack of self-confidence and also the ADHD wandering brain. Again...sigh. 

Well, I gotta go pick up kiddos from school, or else I'd write more of a novel than I already have. This shall be continued....until then. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Whirlwind of Weeks

-
 It's been quite a time the past few weeks. It feels like such a whirlwind. I am happy it's officially March today because that means we're just a little closer to spring and hopefully also some restrictions being lifted. My kids had their February break last week, and it was good to have them home but also extremely exhausting. We had workers here to replace some roofing on the house, my husband and I both ended up sick and needing to get corona tests done (thankfully both were negative!), and the kids struggled at times to find stuff to do given the fact that we're still in lockdown. But...we survived!  They're all back to school and work today so now I feel like I can try to resume a bit of normalcy again (aka mop the floors and clean my bathrooms..haha!).  I am...in process. I feel like I am in process of so many things and in so many areas of my life. I find myself grasping to try and make sense of it all, but I feel like that's asking a lot on most days. I
Read more

Here We Go...

-
 Glasses. Check. Laptop. Check. Cup of warm tea. Check. Verbal vomit. Double check. Here we go... Hi. My name is Jessica, but I hate being called Jessica. I prefer Jess because Jessica sounds catty and like someone is yelling at me for something that I most likely...did do. Sigh. Anyway, I am turning the big 4-0 this year, and I have very mixed feelings about it. So there's that. I am originally from upstate New York. I grew up on a dairy farm part-time and everything. I had cows named after my best friends and a brood of cats named after my Dutch relatives. Ha. However, this year will mark 15 years that I have lived in the Netherlands. I am married to a Dutchie, and I also come from Dutch blood as my paternal grandparents immigrated to the states in the early 1950's from good ol' Nederland. I also have Italian, German, French, and English blood in the mix with possibly other stuff too, but I am still sorting that all out. I have been meaning to do one of those DNA kit thin
Read more

A Million Little Miracles

-
Miracles, signs, wonders. I have become accustomed to hearing these words throughout the years of my evangelical Christian journey, but these are terms that I had hidden away in the back of my mind when I left that faith back in January 2019. It wasn't until recently that these precious words would begin swirling again in my mind and heart.  It was a Monday morning while I was walking back home from dropping my second and youngest kids off at school. It's literally like a 2-minute walk from my doorstep to the schoolyard so it's more of a skip, hop and a jump, but you get the idea. I almost always follow the sidewalk that follows behind the back entrances of the gardens of my neighbors. While walking back, I was greeted by a neighbor of mine (we'll call her E) who was rustling around with her bicycle to prepare to go pick up groceries. This woman is probably in her 70's, and she and her husband are the sweetest people on the planet. My oldest son used to be in the sa
Read more