Here We Go...

 Glasses. Check. Laptop. Check. Cup of warm tea. Check. Verbal vomit. Double check. Here we go...

Hi. My name is Jessica, but I hate being called Jessica. I prefer Jess because Jessica sounds catty and like someone is yelling at me for something that I most likely...did do. Sigh. Anyway, I am turning the big 4-0 this year, and I have very mixed feelings about it. So there's that. I am originally from upstate New York. I grew up on a dairy farm part-time and everything. I had cows named after my best friends and a brood of cats named after my Dutch relatives. Ha. However, this year will mark 15 years that I have lived in the Netherlands. I am married to a Dutchie, and I also come from Dutch blood as my paternal grandparents immigrated to the states in the early 1950's from good ol' Nederland. I also have Italian, German, French, and English blood in the mix with possibly other stuff too, but I am still sorting that all out. I have been meaning to do one of those DNA kit things, and I promised my sister that we could do it together. It'll happen. Hopefully it is legit. I am very curious. I have three amazing kiddos. They're 10, 8 and 4 years old. They all attend elementary school and seem to enjoy it (mostly). Roblox, Fornite, and Sonic are all a thing in this house as are legos, nerf guns and barbie dolls. They surely keep me busy and life interesting. Free entertainment for sure. We live in a city called Dordrecht, which is about 20 minutes or so from Rotterdam. It's a cute city with lots of history, art, and culture. It's actually an island so that's kinda cool, I guess. 

Anyway, so I used to be a social worker, but I have been doing the full-time mama thing for all of these years. I am petrified to take the next steps mostly because I don't know what those steps are or even should be, but I am attempting to figure that all out at the moment. I kind of feel like I am back in high school having to make some huge life-altering decisions that will affect me for all of eternity. Okay, that was dramatic, but yeah. Speaking of drama, I got into this thing called the Enneagram last year, and I discovered that I am a type 4 wing 3. You can google that for more info, but I am sure I will be talking about it in the future as I find it so intriguing in this journey to try and figure myself out. I believe in the importance of mental health awareness and advocacy. As someone who struggles with depression and anxiety, this hits home. The whole childhood trauma thing is a real thing. I know first-hand, unfrotunately. Maybe I'll unpack some of that at some point with the hopes that I won't get sued by someone for what I say. So yeah. I just started the whole therapy process again, and I fully believe that there are great therapists out there who can help you work through whatever it is that you need support and healing for. 

For most of my life, I was known as an evangelical Christian. I grew up in the Christian Reformed and Baptist churches with my grandparents, and I eventually dedicated my life to the faith in a non-denominational/charismatic church when I was around 14 or 15 years old. It consumed my life, my being, my money, my time, and everything else in between. The whole concept of God and hell and faith still feel and seem like a distant mystery, and I am honestly okay with that. I left the church back in January 2019 and started on what I learned would become my journey of deconstruction of faith. It all sounds complicated and maybe even daunting for some, but it's been such a great and powerful time in my life thus far despite the pain and confusion that has accompanied the ride. I still do believe in God, but that's as far as I am at right now. I am totally okay with that. People who are still part of the evangelical faith sometimes have a hard time with me because I am not all gung ho for the Lord anymore. I accept that. I accept me, right now, where I am at on  my faith journey. I will discuss this more later. 

I suppose you'd like to know where the name of my blog comes from. I have always had a thing with trees. Ever since I was a child, I was always drawn to trees and felt like they gave me a sense of hope and comfort. They symbolize growth, foundation, depth, healing, and new life. I see every tree as a representation of a season or chapter in my life that has thrusted me into areas of healing, sorrow, trials, and growth. If I imagine being at the top of these tall trees, I see an endless blue sky which signifies life and freedom to me. I love all of that. I love the details. I love the colors and textures and just the symbolism. So yeah. 

I have no outlined plan of where this will all go, but I am excited for the adventure...even on the hard days. I will warn you that I am terrible with vocabulary and punctuation, and I think in at least two languages every moment of each day. But I have always had a love for writing. Even when I was a teenager, I would love myself in my bedroom for hours and just imagine and fantasize and write, write, write. I would write movie ideas, songs, scripts, stories, and my innermost thoughts in my journal. I would love for some of my work to come alive someday, and I will keep dreaming in hopes that it'll actually happen. Besides writing, I am a lover of photography, food, great conversation, deep thoughts, reading, cooking, chocolate, chicken wings, and wine. 

So now that you have been informed of my intentions here, I do hope you will stick around and enjoy the ride and discover all of what's going on in my brain and in my little part of the world. Welcome, and thank you. 

Loving me and you,
Jess